Tuesday, September 28, 2004
IBLP Declares a "Woman Fast"
Motivated by I Corinthians 7, the Dean of Men at IBLP headquarters has declared a mandatory, 40-day "woman fast" for all male staff members of IBLP. Interested to learn more, X-ATI Guy sent his best non-female investigative reporter to check out the situation.
Rumor has it that the woman-fast decree was issued when the Dean of Men heard several reports that all staff girls did in their free time was talk about staff men. Being an intuitive Dean with a nose for corruption and potentially defrauding situations, the Dean surmised that staff men were engaged in similarly unproductive conversations about the opposite sex.
The Dean took decisive action and forbid all males to talk to, look at, touch, or in any other way make contact with female staff members. Reports indicate that the Dean is pushing for this policy to be made permanent.
X-er asked several young men how they felt about this situation. "It's not like much has changed," said one staffer named Brett. "I got reamed out for smiling sympathetically at a girl after her grandmother died. I was accused of trying to build soul ties with a vulnerable woman."
"I don't have to change my behavior at all," agreed another young man named Tim. "If you want to work for IBLP and not get paid, you'd best leave the women alone."
One young man we talked to was upbeat about the situation. "I'm going to turn my physical desires into creative energy. I'm grateful to the leadership for the opportunity to focus on the Lord."
Saturday, September 25, 2004
ATI Movie Makeovers
We all enjoy entertainment, but we should never enjoy entertainment at the expense of our godly standards. ATI Movie Makeovers takes popular Hollywood blockbusters and infuses them with Biblical principles and character development.
Man on Fire, by X-ATI Guy
Creasy (Denzel Washington) is a washed up government agent who is struggling on the verge of alcoholism after years of soul-sapping government service. He reluctantly agrees to act as bodyguard/nanny for Pita (Dakota Fawning), an inquisitive, bright 9 year old girl. Eventually he becomes close to the girl and their relationship awakens sensitive stirrings within him as he marvels at her character.
Sadly, one day Pita displeases her father, a corrupt businessman with ties to the Oklahoma City Cartel. Pita is shipped off to the Dallas Training Center and is subjected to unspeakable horrors: locked in a prayer room for weeks, forced to eat bad food, and scolded 24 hours a day for her character deficiencies and resistant spirit.
When Creasy learns of where Pita has been sent and the abuses she suffers, his fiery rage is unleased and he vows to stop at nothing to save her. [Start Nine Inch Nails riff.]
The fallout is amazing.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
CharacterLink Spam Filter Shuts Off
CharacterLink spam filters malfunctioned today, temporarily allowing a flood of unsolicited email in to ATI homes. Families who chose CharacterLink for the protection it offered from the world received emails about blue jeans, mortgages, high-interest credit cards, free movie tickets, dating services, and many other reprobate products.
"We were so shocked by the worldliness," said one mother whose son accidentally opened an email with the subject line of "f:o,rtui:tOus_r:e:l@$ion$:hips." The email turned out to be an invitation to join a business partnership.
Families frantically began calling CharacterLink offices with reports of shocking emails. CharacterLink staff spent most of the afternoon absolving guilt-ridden ATI students, assuring them that no sin is committed by accidentally opening spam.
IBLP technicians worked through the night to correct the malfunction. "We're not sure what happened," said one weary fellow. "It could have been demonic influence."
Friday, September 17, 2004
We recently reported that EXCEL is a secret society. Since that time, X-er has been flooded with secret documents pilfered from the Dallas Training Center front desk. Of course, we will protect our source, even if we're thrown in a Prayer Room.
Particularly disturbing among these documents are the reports of casualties of the behavior modification and "Godly Image" program.
We've seen reports of girls curling their hair for hours to achieve the soft, wavy curls recommended. Others actually used eye drops and over-applied mascara to make their eyes appear brighter.
Disturbed by these reports, we asked our investigative reporter and guest poster Mairzy to look into other signs of EXCEL girls using artificial means to create a spiritual appearance. Here is Mairzy's report:
At Excel, girls strive to appear spiritual by some of the following methods:
* Praying and speaking justly. As in, "Lord, I just thank You for the way You just rain down mercies and just correct us when we stray." "The Lord has just really stretched me and showed me how He just loves me and cares for me."
* Giving an ATI Vague testimony.
The testimony, Straight: "My sister drove me absolutely up the wall, and I always screamed at her and slammed the door in her face. Now I realize how wrong it is not only to give into such anger, but to treat another person with such contempt. God is helping me change my attitude toward her and learn to love her through Him."
The Testimony, ATI Vague: "God allowed a certain irritation in my life, and I responded wrongly. With rebellion in my heart I tried to solve it my way. Through His merciful correction, my heart was pricked and I saw how I had given over ground through anger and lack of genuine love. God has changed my heart, and now I can accept this irritation with gratitude!"
> Important ingredient in an ATI Vague testimony: God gives instant healing and maturity when you respond rightly. None of this "gradually changing" stuff.
* Repenting of romance books. I don't mean the secular Harlequin books, which really are pornographic (don't ask me how I know that). I mean Janette Oake and L. M. Montgomery. If you're a really good Excel girl, you don't read books like that, not even "occasionally." If another girl mentions them, you smile and say that you used to enjoy them, but God convicted you about them and you threw them away.
* Talking fondly of your father and your family. These people should be the primary outside characters in your conversation.
* Apologize for every offense, even those that no one could possibly know about. I had a girl come up to me at Excel and say, "I've had a wrong attitude toward you, and I shouldn't have. Will you forgive me?" I hardly knew her name, much less what I could have done to offend her. It's been ten years, and I still wonder what I did to irritate her.
* Wear the little blue bowtie at your neck. Only a few girls ever did this. They were pegged immediately as "model ATI girls," and you watched what you said around them.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
X-er's ATI Student Records Questioned
OAK BROOK, Illinois - The Advanced Training Institute today released X-ATI Guy's student records, revealing that X-er missed a required spiritual examination while on staff with the Institute. The records show X-er failed to make most of the 17 Basic Commitments essential to spiritual maturity, and avoided a meeting specifically scheduled for him to go through the Stronghold Diagram. A typed memo from X-er's supervisor, a Mr. R.E. Porter, is especially damning. Porter confessed in the memo to himself that he had received pressure to "sugar coat" X-er's alleged poor service with IBLP. Porter speculated the pressure was due to X-er's ties to "large IBLP donors."
IBLP said in a release: "We trust the public will see that X-ATI Guy cannot be trusted, and he should stop reviling the dedicated men and women who owe so much to this ministry. These records prove X-ATI Guy is a bitter person."
X-ATI Guy immediately responded by attacking the authenticity of the records. "I believe this is nothing but a coordinated attack on my credibility," he said in his own statement. "It's no coincidence these records were released almost immediately after I broke the story about EXCEL being a secret society." X-er said the "commitment sheet" IBLP is circulating is obviously a fake. "I know that's not my signature because when I was in ATI I always wrote in caps."
X-er also stated Mr. Porter's memo is a ridiculous fabrication. "I am not acquainted with any large IBLP donors, although I do know some overweight ones." Furthermore, X-er pointed out Mr. Porter was an amputee and could not manipulate a typewriter. "So how did he type a memo to himself?"
IBLP Store: No-Guesswork Cookbook
IBLP is now selling a cookbook. The cookbook features "precise measurements, clear instructions, reliable temperatures and timing, and accurate yield"!
Better yet, the "meals and menus encourage a proper balance between nutrition, good taste, eye appeal, efficiency in preparation, and cost control."
Things IBLP Staff Miss Out On
- Gainful employment.
- Super Bowl commercials.
- Movie popcorn.
- Jessica Simpson.
- Praise choruses.
- A good suntan.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Training In Worldly Activities
Training In Worldly Activities offers tips and advice on how to enjoy grace responsibly and without excess.
For all of you feeble current and ex-ATI guys who have not yet figured out the fine art of flirting, we offer:
HOW TO GET A GIRL Before you begin the task of catching a girl, you have to undo some serious brainwashing you received in ATI. Many maxims have been pounded into your head regarding relationships. We call these ATI Relationship Strongholds.
First, you have heard the verse in I Corinthians 7 which says, "He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife." The impeccable logic of IBLP states: Pleasing God is good. Caring for the things of the world is bad. Therefore, we should not get married or even entertain the option of a relationship.
You must counteract this devastating logic with the following quote: "It is better to marry than to burn." As 95% of all young men burn (and the other 5% are liars), chances are you have God's permission to pursue a relationship for the purpose of matrimony.
Another ATI Stronghold you must tear down is: "You shouldn't get married until you are ready to have children because that is the purpose of marriage." This stronghold effectively prevents most young men from entering relationships. As much as they love children, they'd prefer to spend a little time alone with their bride. We would like to point out that this stronghold is inconsistent with Scripture. Many women listed in the Bible were unable to have children, which would have made their marriages entirely useless if you believe this Stronghold. Furthermore, while God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, the words "immediately" and "right now" do not appear in this verse (neither in English nor in the original Hebrew).
Finally, the idea that you will be "more effective for Christ single than married" should be disposed of. This is a subjective question that must be resolved with each individual person. While some people may be more effective for Christ as single persons, it is a short, elite list. Don't miss out on relationship opportunities wondering if you're on this list. And by all means avoid The Castrati.
These Strongholds aside, here is how a guy can get a girl.
1. Fall asleep in Christ. (No, we're just kidding. Gotcha!)
2. Know what you want in life. Women are extremely attracted to men who have a vision for their life. If you have career plans, life goals, and a strong sense of direction, you will draw women to you with gravitational force. We are not advocating abuse of this technique; we're simply pointing out it is a reality. Furthermore, a sense of direction within your relationship is good as well. Girls shouldn't have to ask "where is this going?" You want them to say, "Wow, here we go!"
3. Don't be afraid to look her in the eye. ATI guys have a problem with this. At best, they will stand sideways to a girl and cast quick glances toward the girl while talking to her. No, no, no. Stand facing her directly, and look her in the eye. Let HER look away from you. This tells women you possess immense confidence. Just be careful not to make her uncomfortable; there's a difference between eye contact and staring.
4. Talk to her. You cannot get a girl without talking to her. And no, saying "hi" when you pass each other in the training center lobby does not count. You must be prepared to ask her questions, listen to her answers, draw out her opinions, and then remember what she's told you. Conversation is the key here. Too many ATI guys talk non-stop around women, betraying their nervousness. Give her a chance to express herself.
5. Be decisive. Some guys think it is sexy to always defer to the girl's preference. But when the girl tells you she doesn't care where you go out to eat, be a man and make a suggestion. Here's how not to do it:
6. Make her laugh. This also requires that you have insight into the girl. Discover her sense of humor and make her laugh. Do NOT break out the old "How do you know when you're dating an ATI girl" jokes. Instead, try to discover what things amuse her. What funny memories or experiences do you share? Who do you mutually despise that you can slyly make fun of? Use subtle wit and irony rather than knock-knock jokes.
Guy: What sounds good to you tonight?
Girl: Oh, I don't care, I'd be happy with anything. [She's thinking: "Didn't you plan anything?"]
Guy: Well, I like anything, so wherever you want to go, that's fine with me.
Girl: Oh, I don't care. Whatever you pick is good with me. ["It's going to be a long night."]
Guy: Well, there's this Mexican place. Of course, if you don't like that we can go to Chili's. If you don't like that we can do Outback. If you don't like that.....
Girl: Sighs and smooths her skirt. ["Sorry, bozo, I'll never bear your children."]
7. Don't hesitate. If you've discovered the girl and you love her, buy the diamond, talk to the necessary parents, and get down on one knee. Don't settle for long, drawn out courtships.
Our research indicates women are generally disappointed with ATI guys. We believe you can overcome this stigma by following the seven steps listed above.
Monday, September 13, 2004
EXCEL is a Secret Society
In a startling discovery we recently developed, it's come to our attention that the EXCEL program for girls is actually a secret society, more secret than Skull & Bones or the Masons.
Upon entering the program, girls disappear for an eight-week orientation and when they come out they all wear matching uniforms and using secret code language such as "more valuable than rubies", "interior decorating skills", and "falling in love with Jesus." Shouldn't this concern us?
Our source Mairzy pointed out the strange behavior of a former EXCEL friend: "Every time she gets back in touch with her EXCEL friends, her personality changes. She gets really meek and quiet and won't offer an opposing opinion on anything I say. She just prays a lot, and suddenly gets these compulsions to do things like clean the garage or start a family. It's creepy."
Out of concern for women all over America, Mairzy asked us to investigate this further.
Believing this warranted a closer look, we were able to infiltrate the Dallas Training Center and secure secret documents from the EXCEL leadership. Our discoveries shocked us. Among the documents retrieved, we found an memo dated February 1993 which outlined the concept for EXCEL. The memo indicated IBLP's concern that young women in ATI were falling prey to worldly philosophies such as wearing pants, styling short hair cuts, and serial dating.
The memo called for a program that would involve "drastic behavior modification" and "indoctrination for the purpose of planting submissive women all around the country."
True success, indicated the memo, would require that the program attract susceptible young women who hoped to build homemaking skills. Upon luring these girls into the DTC, they would be brainwashed with stories of disastrous relationships gone awry because of a "spirit of worldliness." The memo indicated a 99.8% success rate when young women received threats about the demise of their future marriages and children. Thus, the drastic alterations in appearance and behavior upon graduation from the program.
X-ATI Guy will continue to report on this dangerous program as we gather more information.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
ATI Announces New Program
The Advanced Training Institute has announced a new program for young men of unique dedication. The program, called The Castrati, is designed for those who want to dedicate themselves to God's service above all else.
The program is based on a Scriptural concept offered in Matthew 19:12. "...and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it."
Bill Gothard announced his great enthusiasm for the new program. "Scripture promises great rewards for those who follow this practice of becoming eunuchs," he said. "In life, there are regular Army Christians, and there are Marine Christians, and then there are The Castrati. They will raise Christian service to new heights."
ATI promises that those who give up the comfort of home, family, and children will find true success in the Christian life, citing the examples of Christ and the Apostle Paul. Young men who enroll in The Castrati must go through a rigorous evaluation period to determine they have made the proper Christian commitments. After selection for the program, they leave home permanently and begin a training program at various IBLP locations. Upon completing the five-year training and the necessary alterations, Castrati young men will serve the Institute for the duration of their lives.
Incidentally, there are no longer 10 Unchangeables:
- Birth Order
- Time in History
- Brothers and Sisters
- Physical Features
- Mental Capacity
- Aging and Death
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Gothard to X-er: "Denounce the smear"
HINSDALE, Illinois - Bill Gothard is calling on X-ATI Guy to denounce a 527 group that has released a television ad questioning Gothard's work with youth in the early 60's.
The group, called "Bill's Youth For Truth," is composed of dozens of individuals who claim to have attended Gothard's original youth group. The group has released a television ad titled "Revival?" which questions Gothard's claims to have started a youth revival in the Chicago area in the 1960's.
"I attended church with Bill Gothard," says one person in the ad, "and he started no revivals." Several people indicate that Gothard was "largely unnoticeable" and "unusually reserved" as a youth leader.
Responding to the advertisement, a spokesman for IBLP stated, "Bill Gothard is a highly decorated youth leader. It is regrettable that as Bill enters 50 years of youth ministry, this group of people would come forward with these ridiculous claims. This is a blatant attempt by X-er to have other people do his dirty work."
The spokesman pointed out that Bill's Youth For Truth had ties to anti-Gothard groups such as Midwest Outreach and CULTWATCH. Additionally, IBLP alleges the Bill's Youth For Truth received legal counsel from an attorney who was seen talking to Ron Henzel.
"These facts clearly point out that Youth For Truth is funded, organized and masterminded by discredited haters of IBLP," continued the spokesman. "We are calling on X-ATI Guy to publicly denounce this partisan group."
X-er released a statement saying he is confident Bill Gothard served his youth group honorably.
Training In Worldly Activities
Many of us, upon leaving our safe environment of navy and white, like to sample some of the world's pleasures. We must warn you: do not abuse your new-found freedom. It is easy to ignore human limitations and overdo it. Thus, we are offering a new feature--Training In Worldly Activities--which will offer tips and advice on how to enjoy grace responsibly and without excess.
HOW TO DRINK A BEER
- Upon reaching a legal age, go to your local grocery store and purchase your drink of choice. This is not as easy as it sounds, as you could select domestic or foreign, draught, malt beer, ale, lager, hefeweizen, or stout. We recommend frequent experimentation to identify your favorite.
- For your first drink, we advise that you return home rather than hitting the town. Ex-ATI students are not experienced enough to gauge intoxication levels, so it is best to start drinking at your final destination.
- Chill the beer.
- It is best to eat a high-carb meal before drinking your first beer as it will absorb the liquor and will reduce the intoxicant effect. Pizza or pasta are good choices.
- Open the bottle. Notice the hiss as you open the cap, and the faint, thin scent of alcohol. (Awareness is the key to enjoyment.)
- The next decision is whether to drink from the bottle or to pour the beer into a glass. Experts disagree on this choice. Some recommend pouring into a glass in order to get a good foamy head on the beer, while others insist that drinking straight from the bottle preserves the beer's flavor. Scripture does not provide any insight into this decision, although it does contain admonitions about loving wine when it is red in the glass.
- Drink. Your first drink is best in small sips.
And there you have it. Seven steps on how to drink a beer. But please do not forget the risks of drinking.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Young Man Refuses to Kiss
Instead, he sends letter to girl he has just started to court.
I have discussed this letter with your father and he fully approves this message. I have decided that we must not kiss--or even touch at all--before marriage. I know that you hoped to practice holding hands before we stand in front of all our friends at our wedding, but I am convinced that we should not. A few moments of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of sorrow, so we're strictly avoiding all pleasure right now. Just think of how happy we'll be in the future because of it.
I'm sure that unless we save ourselves, our marital intimacy will not be what it could because God will remove his blessing from our relationship.
Also, I'm a physical touch kind of guy, so I'm sure that if I take that first step of holding hands, it will only be a few moments before I tear my clothes off and commit irrevocable sin.
I have even thought about saving our first kiss for AFTER marriage . . . maybe three or four months into it. The first kiss is something that should be savored, and there's no use throwing it away immediately. Also, I think it would really impress you to see my example of self control if we saved ourselves from a physical relationship after marriage and focused on spiritual oneness.
Thank you for submitting to me in this,
Saturday, September 04, 2004
ATI Enters the Sex Education Business
OAK BROOK, IL - In response to increasing criticism concerning the declining state of morality among high-school teens, Secretary of Education Rod Paige has requested help from Bill Gothard's Chicago-based Advanced Training Institute International. In what can only be described as an unprecedented shift in the focus of Public Education, Secretary Paige is asking that Mr. Gothard design and implement the entire Sex Education curriculum for every public school in America.
"Bill Gothard's work has been instrumental in completely changing the inner cities of Indianapolis, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Chicago and Moscow, Russia," said Secretary Paige. "From the reports that Mr. Gothard has sent us, there is not one remaining juvenile delinquent in any of those cities. These results are nothing short of staggering."
Mr. Gothard has been working tirelessly to provide Secretary Paige with preliminary curriculum ideas by October 15th. This is a strategically chosen date aimed at persuading undecided voters to support President Bush, whose No Child Left Behind policy will be replaced by Mr. Gothard's curriculum concepts.
Also unprecedented is the level of secrecy that surrounds the curriculum itself. Not even President Bush is privy to the information contained in Gothard's curriculum. However, in what Mr. Gothard called a "grievous" and "discouraging" turn of events, a small portion of the table of contents and portions of chapter one were leaked to the press. These leaked portions have drawn the ire of supporters of the current curriculum like Senator Ted Kennedy and the singer Pink, leading to some speculation that this new move may not give as significant a lift to President Bush's campaign as once thought.
In Chapter One, entitled "The Path to STDs", sex is defined as "an activity that grows babies". It also lists some rather controversial statistics, one of which states that "98.76% of all people who have had sex never want to have sex again because it's so vile and horrible, and it hurts really bad." Another statistic stated that "100% of people who kiss their partner before marriage die in violent car crashes." When asked about the source of these statistics, Gothard replied that he received them in a "rhema".
The table of contents revealed chapter titles that Gothard dismissed as "preliminary ideas that are open to revision":
Chapter Two: Sex Doesn't Feel Good
Chapter Three: Impregnating a Woman Without Touching Her
Chapter Four: All Women Have STDs Until They are Married
Chapter Five: Getting Pregnant by Listening to Usher
Chapter Six: Sex Causes World Wars
It is reported that President Bush, upon reading the table of contents, fled to Crawford where he is expected to announce tomorrow that he will cede the election to Senator Kerry on September 15th, more than a month before the official election.
-Submitted by guest poster Topeka
Thursday, September 02, 2004
There's nothing better than a good lie...
This music video provides great insight into the ATI double life.
End of the World As We Know It
X-ATI Guy is just a normal guy who goes about his quiet, normal life. But every once in a while, something catches his attention and this normal guy finds himself transforming into a crazy, raging X-er, similar to the transformation the Incredible Hulk experiences (except that X-er is not green or ripped).
This blog post by Doug Phillips on the Bush daughters is one of those "somethings". This is perhaps a little off-topic, but of significant entertainment value for all of you.
As you may know, Jenna and Barbara Bush introduced the First Lady at the GOP Convention a few nights ago. Their speech was dumb and cheesy and a little annoying...and, if you believe some people, it signified the collapse of our nation and the end of civilization as we know it--the moral equivalent of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl moment.
Calling their speech a "shameful display," Phillips quotes an email he received: "How disappointed and embarrassed we were to learn that a family who generally stands for the things of Christ would allow their daughter to so publicly tarnish the family's reputation in the name of being 'hip.' Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised because the girls have been in trouble before, but this was not the venue."
"Dear friends," says Phillips, "we have reached the point in our nation where people actually believe it is honoring to dishonor their parents."
X-er feels slightly silly to be in a position to defend the Bush twins, but Phillips overstates reality so that in all fairness we feel we must. So, dear friends, here is our calm, careful response:
Whatever.As one of our guest posters SRJ commented, "excessive dependence on Biblical Principles interferes with a sense of humor, eh?"
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
ALERT Undergoes Further Revision
BIG SANDY, Texas - The ALERT program has announced that it will undergo a new revision to improve ALERT's reputation and appearance. Program directors hope to eliminate excessive machoism and an overbearing authority structure while maintaining the program's core function as a haven for wayward ATI men.
This is the fifth revision ALERT has experienced in its short history and is in response to parents urging ALERT to "make the program easier."
"ALERT leadership does not wish to emphasize ungodly values or promote mere physical strength, so we are creatively adapting our skills to meet the unique needs of those in crisis," said a spokesman. "Our goal has always been to raise up young men who are mighty in spirit FIRST and physically disciplined second. Now, with these newest program changes, ALERT men won't even have to be disciplined."
The program overhaul involves eliminating all military ranks and lowering performance expectations. Physical exercise will no longer be doled out for punishment. Words such as "rigorous" and "difficult" have been deleted from promotional materials and the ALERT website. Training includes a new emphasis of positive attitudes and love for each other. Additional sessions on obedient smiling have been added.
ATI parents applaud this revision as a huge improvement. "I never wanted to send my son to ALERT," said one ATI mother, "but now I feel that the program is actually healthy. We're signing up today!"
Others have expressed doubt about ALERT's overhaul. "I call them girlie men!" exclaimed California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger when he heard of the changes.
Graduates of past units are also skeptical about the improvements. "I had to stand outside naked all night in seven feet of snow in the Northwoods to pass my Basic Training," said a graduate of Unit Three. "Making the program easier won't solve ALERT's problems."