Sunday, February 27, 2005

IBLP Film Awards
OAK BROOK, Illinois - Seeking to replace worldly glorification of sex and violence with Godly entertainment, the IBLP staff will be hosting the First Annual Institute Award Show where nominees will compete for the Otto Awards. Televised on the Institute's SkyAngel Network, the Ottos will feature harmonious singing, clips of nominated movies, and a comedy routine by Ray Comfort.

Favored for Best Picture is Treasures of the Snow. How to Win the Heart of a Rebel is expected to win Most Soporific, while Newest Gothard Insight is expected to go to Overcoming Competing Affections. Do Something Great has been nominated for Best Self-Congratulatory Documentary, and Two Effective Ways to Protect Your Sons and Daughters is favored for the Cocoon Award.

Winners of the Ottos will be given a short period of time to deflect the praise to God and their parents.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Modesty collars protect young ladies
Sources within the Oak Brook headquarters of IBLP have recently learned of a new insight Mr. Gothard is preparing to share to ATI families at this year's training conference in Knoxville, Tennessee. For years, ATI girls have struggled with how to effectively draw attention to their bright countenance with their attire. Initially, a red bow was recommended to complement a soft, wavy, 80's hairstyle that appropriately framed the face and brought out the bright eyes. However, the red bows became problematic when it was learned certain young men visualized the collarbone beneath the red bow. Those young men have been properly rehabilitated and have made vague, public, training-center apologies about their "certain problem."

During his annual wilderness encounter at the Northwoods Mr. Gothard visited a local veterinary clinic while researching the much anticipated "Volume IV" of the Character Sketch series. While there, Mr. Gothard noticed several animals wearing plastic collars to prevent them from interfering with their healing from surgery. "The collars literally leaped off the dogs for me!" Gothard was quoted as saying, "I received the profound insight this was the way to properly highlight the bright countenance of our young people." An aide was said to have quipped, "Talk about a marvellous, thrilling sight!"

Plans are underway to provide each ATI family with a daughter over the age of thirteen a collar of the proper shade of beige to complement her skin tone. Families with more than six children will receive a discount, reversal children are free as always. The collars will ship to families shortly after the 2005 Knoxville training conference.

Several young men are reported to resent the new directive. "It's bad enough they button their collars beyond their Adam's apple! How can we sneak a kiss in the elevator with that contraption?! It's like a chastity belt for the face!" The young man has been sent home.

-Rebel poster Vincent Vega

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Baby Got Book
Big Bibles are okay, but a girl with her big Red Notebook really sends shivers down my spine...

Friday, February 18, 2005

New cure for addiction?
Although the information contained in this post begs for satirical treatment, it is actually true, based on several reports from readers.

Apparently some time last year IBLP worked to obtain the rights to an exciting new product designed to cure all addictions. I am told this device was supposedly invented nearly 50 years ago, but had never been used because of governmental suppression.

This device is a little black box with two electrodes that connect behind a person's ears. Certain frequencies that were "developed by rock musicians" are sent along to the electrodes and stimulate the brain to produce endorphins. The result is a natural "high" without the harmful side effects of illegal narcotics.

In a summer 2004 conversation with several Headquarters staffers, relayed to me by one of the participants, Mr. Gothard referred to this remarkable invention as the "Healthy High." Apparently Mr. Gothard hoped to develop a Walkman-type machine that not only produced a "Healthy High," but played character-building music and the Commands of Christ series. "This machine will destroy the Rock music industry in our country!" he is reported to have said. Speculation ran high that the wholesome buzz could also be used to relieve chronic pain.

X-ATI Guy is both fascinated and disturbed. Other details were shared that we have not been able to confirm, but we will continue to investigate. If anyone can share additional information about this amazing device, please email me.

(Hat tip: several readers)

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Valentine's Day is a pagan, anti-courtship holiday
Perhaps it is too early to bring up this topic, but I plan to be otherwise engaged on Monday.

Valentine's Day is a difficult day for single ATI students. Back in my Institute staff years, they used to throw huge, platonic Valentine's Banquets (maybe they still do). The young ladies would decorate the dining room with red and white balloons, napkins, candy and other knick knacks, and we'd have an extra-formal meal. Whoever was in charge would give a few words about the day. Invariably they'd recognize some of the older staff parents who would talk about how they met. "Back when Joyce and I were dating -- we didn't have courtship back then; we weren't as lucky as you kids...."

It always struck me as odd. If we students were supposed to be satisfied, single people committed to God and courtship, why did we celebrate a holiday dedicated to love and spooning? You'd think Valentine's would rank pretty high on the Evil Holiday List, right up there with Halloween and Gay Pride Week.

The whole event was rather defrauding, especially for the young ladies on staff who were taught to become good Proverbs 31 women while eschewing useless fantasies of the Jeanette Oake and L.M. Montgomery type. Resourceful staff guys took advantage of the annually permissible co-ed dinner seating, assuming that with all the love in the air they might get away with looking a girl in the eyes. The really smooth guys would describe the wonderful plans he had for his future wife. Plans usually involving roses and moonlight and other emotional delights. Hoping, of course, to hear those prized words: "Oh, that's SO sweet!"

It's time for the hypocrisy to stop. I hereby call on all IBLP staff to terminate any celebration of this carnal holiday and to instead celebrate Courtship Day: a day for dedicated young people to return to their vows of celibacy and re-commit themselves to seeking only God's best for their life, which of course does not involve love or relationships. Perhaps IBLP staff could have segregated encouragement sessions of four-part testimonies and singing. After all, IBLP staff is held up as a shining example for the thousands of young ATI students studying at home. It would be wrong to cause these weaker brothers and sisters to stumble.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Exiting the Matrix
X-ers hold a unique place in Christianity. Whether one's background is IBLP or some other Christian subculture that emphasizes individual performance over Christ's grace, we've endured a level of spiritual scarring--a hardening of the soul. Some of us don't make it, and they become the spiritual washouts, the reprobates, the backslidden untouchables. Others of us realize the problem was in the system, and once we exit the system, we begin the rehabilitative process of discovering God's grace for the first time.

But leaving the program is not enough. The residual effect of the indoctrination controls our perception of God in unhealthy ways. Freeing yourself from years of harsh judgment and performance-based Christianity is a messy process; it is often accompanied by rage, substance abuse, moodiness and long nights of inner reflection. Exiting the Matrix is not pretty. At times, our suspicion of systems of thought makes it difficult for us to assimilate truth. Which, of course, provides plenty of ammunition for those still in the Matrix to condemn the X-er. "He has left us because he was not one of us."

God's love is powerful, though, and eventually we discover the joy of a life redeemed by Christ.

For those of us who have unplugged from the system, there's no going back. Supporters of the system label this abandonment as "rebellion," "anger," "pride," and "judgmentalism." If we speak out against the system, we're told to forgive those who have offended us--to go and share how we were damaged. We're advised to move on and get over our hurts. We're frequently told that we're bitter. But you're talking bitterness, and we're talking freedom.

We're told that unity in the Christian world is more important than individual suffering. But since when was the program we left interested in Christian unity? Systematic conformity is more like it.

Our intent is not to judge people, but to judge error. And we make no claims of a special insight into Scripture or a unique connection with God that sets us apart from other believers.

Have we been hurt, misled and damaged? Yes. Are we healing and experiencing God's grace? Yes and yes. That's the ethos of the X-er revolution.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Disturbing discovery
INDIANAPOLIS, IN - The Indianapolis Training Center was recently rocked with scandal when a billiard table was discovered in an empty room on the 13th floor of the training center. An investigation was immediately ordered, but IBLP has been unable to determine who assembled the unit.

"We know the Devil is capable of terrible acts," said a leader at the ITC, "just ask Jim Logan. But we're pretty sure Satan didn't deposit this table on Thirteen all by himself."

The residents of the ITC were gathered together and encouraged to confess any involvement with the pool table, but no wrongdoers were forthcoming. IBLP is grieved at the level of reprobation to which some of its staffers have fallen, and assumes that numerous young men participated in assembling the pool table and playing late at night. Several security guards are being questioned for any complicity.

But for now, the table remains shrouded in mystery. "We know were they got the pool sticks," said a member of the investigative team. "But how did they sneak the pool balls into the ITC?"

As a precautionary measure, young men are now being examined for suspicious bulges in their clothing.

Is Verity a College?
[Note: this post is non-satirical.] We recently commented on the seeming inconsistency of IBLP starting a college. But is Verity a college? Apparently not. Seems the Verity Education and Accelerated Learning Center is experiencing some difficulties with its license to operate a "proprietary school" in the state of Michigan.

A letter sent to students (posted by a recipient on a discussion forum):

Dear Parents and Friends of Verity,

"For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? But if when ye do well and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God." I Peter 2:20.

Someone asked Abe Lincoln if he thought God was on the side of the north in the Civil War. Mr. Lincoln answered that we should be concerned that the north was on God's side in the matter. We are facing a new challenge from the Office of Postsecondary Services regarding our proprietary school license and are seeking to get on God's side in the matter.

After a good deal of work on our part to comply with guidelines for proprietary schools, we received our license from the state of Michigan in December of '04. This past Friday we were notified that we our license is suspended pending review. This was a surprise, to say the least!

The problem the officials presented was that we look too much like a college and may be misrepresenting ourselves to the public. Our website and IBLP's has too much information relating to the acquiring of a degree, as though we confer credits for courses or grant degrees. As you know, we are not a college, do not give credits for work completed, and do not grant degrees. We are simply a group study center helping young people prepare for their futures in an atmosphere of Biblical discipleship. The problems they noted can be easily corrected to explain ourselves even more clearly to the public, and we are presently doing that.

The real problem, however, seems to be that we may not fit into a proprietary school (trade, vocation, or occupation) category. Helping students prepare for CLEP tests is, from their perspective, teaching. Teaching relative to accredited credits requires many classes. For that we would need to become a college; something we do not want to launch.

We are inviting you to share in our plan of action:

1. Pray and cry out to God. Let's examine our own hearts first, then, ask for mercy, and finally, seek favor with those in authority.

2. Adjust our website and promotional materials to more accurately reflect our nature as a group study center and aid to students working on their own education.

3. Resubmit our course catalog to satisfy the proprietary schools unit guidelines.

4. Keep you informed.

Our license has been suspended and remains so for two weeks while we make our corrections. At present we are not able to hold classes and teach. However, students are able to continue self-study and/or student-initiated study groups. Chapel, music lessons, internships, and the Bible course may continue. Standards of conduct, etc. are expected to continue.

I have one word for the students...Steady. God is working, and the outcome will be a big step forward for Christ's Kingdom in our lives. Thank you for standing with us in prayer and dependence upon God.

Woody & Gail Shoemaker
Interestingly, a Google search of the term Verity College turns up quite a few hits for this "group study center."

(Hat tip: a reader)

Hair Design the IBLP Way (and God's way, of course)

ATI's newest exciting program...

Godly young ladies attending the Hair Design Workshop can become competent and experienced in the skill of enhancing the outward appearance to the glory of God. This ministry may be used in the home to meet the needs of family members, friends, church members, and the elderly.

Young ladies must be careful to not cut hair outside this sphere of influence, as such a practice might lead to a profession outside the home, causing satanic darts to pierces through the "umbrella of protection." As we know, this umbrella is only available to a woman while inside her home, provided her father or husband is at home. Also, since accepting others outside your sphere of influence may actually lead to you being paid for your services, this would no longer be a ministry and therefore the Lord will remove His blessing from your work. Lastly, by only making your ministry available to family members, friends (fellow ATI grads), church members and the elderly, you will lessen the attacks of the Devil. Since you may get tempted by a woman of ill repute who may bring a worldly magazine to your home to show you how she would like to have her hair styled -- not to lift her countenance, but rather to draw attention to her . . . womanly attributes, so she can be flirtatious and cause little boys to have lascivious thoughts that could lead to the sin of Onan. So please, keep it in the home, don't make any money off it, and whatever you do, don't do anything that will pop even the tiniest hole in your umbrella of protection.

Warning!!! Keep that "Umbrella of Protection" away from the "Hedge of Thorns!!!" These are two very different universal non-optional principals and they cannot be intertwined!!!

Phase One of the Hair Design Workshop will include two days of instruction on the attributes of hair! This includes never before heard of insights to the characteristic of human hair that were recently discerned by Bill Gothard himself after he memorized and mediated on the only four hair passages that are found in the Bible. You won't believe what hidden truth he discovered when meditating on Judges 16:17. Blunts and under cuts, advanced techniques in layers, tapers, stacking, male clipper cuts, and much more will be included in the seminar. Instruction will also be given on the only haircut ordained by God for men. Well, most men, that is--those "Queer Eye for the Straight Guys" types are hopelessly lost since they have gone all the way down the reprobation chart and have almost no hope of even climbing their way back. Using the male clipper cut principal, you will be taught how to never leave any hair over the ear or have it touch the white shirt collar or heaven forbid the blue suit collar!

Phase Two (advanced) is designed to further equip you in cosmetology skills for your ministry. This course includes advanced techniques in haircutting, hair design, perm wrapping, manicures, pedicures, skin care, make-up, protocol, hospitality, etiquette, and building your ministry. Prerequisite is Phase One completion. Special attention will be paid to hair colors and making sure you understand Godly hair colors as found only in His creation (no hot pinks, greens, blues or other colors found only in the false god worshiping Canaanite culture). Also, while manicures and pedicures are covered (how to trim your nails and clean your hands so they are wholly acceptable to Him), applying any type of color to the nail is not covered, since this is one of the 5 signs of a harlot. Only five to ten minutes is given to make-up, just to reiterate that it is forbidden, and is counter productive to countenance enhancement since it draws the attention of men to your face, and you know first the face, next the bosom and then the . . . aahhh don't you just hate those slippery slopes. Finally, material from the Song of Solomon is not covered until Phase Three!

Phase Three is currently under development but can only be attended by pastors wives who have had a hair design ministry in their home for at least 7 years, 7 months and 7 days and have had at least 8 offspring, and have never used any form of birth control (this is includes the rhythm method). Complete memorization of the Song of Solomon required. The main topic covered will be Hair Design and talking to the folks in your ministry about God's heavenly design for conjugal relations. For you Growing Kids Gods Wayer's out there, Gary Ezzo has granted special dispensation to Bill who will explain this to you with a "chalk talk." This features a diagram of a flower with a extremely explicit close up of both the stamen and pistil, all while rapidly repeating I Cor. 6:18.

-Submitted by {{{Candleman98}}}

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Gothard to Perform in Super Bowl Halftime
In an effort to avoid any embarrassing malfunctions (wardrobe or otherwise), NFL officials announced today that Bill Gothard will be joining Paul McCartney in Sunday's Super Bowl halftime show. Mr. Gothard will follow the 62-year-old former Beatle's musical performance with a special chalk drawing, the specific details of which have not been revealed.

While Mr. Gothard's artistic ability is internationally recognized, a high-ranking NFL official, speaking on terms of anonymity, said that the NFL added Mr. Gothard to the show "simply because we knew he would not and could not expose as much as an ankle without treading on his own personal, moral guidelines." Mr. Gothard reportedly agreed to participate only if he is provided with a soundproof holding room during Mr. McCartney's performance, from which he will emerge only after all cheerleaders and dancers are cleared from the stage.

-Submitted by Jonathan Lobel

National Character Cop
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Secretary of the Spiritual Interior Bill Gothard hailed a new study that discovered risky sex habits lead to death and disability.

"If people would harness their sexual drives, their creative energy would increase," said Secretary Gothard. "We could stop spending taxpayers' money to subsidize the National Endowment for the Arts."

Secretary Gothard also pointed out the absurdity of modern science. "God's Word has warned against the dangers of illicit sex for thousands of years. Rather than relying upon humanistic principles, scientists should attend my Basic Seminar to discover how Scripture offers precise truths about science."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

ATI Limerick
There once was a fellow named Bill,
His principles were such a pill,
The Rebels he spotted,
Their eyes were all blotted,
To the prayer room, their spiritual cell.

-Submitted by rebel poster Vincent Vega

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

How to Rid your Home of Evil Influences
Are you feeling oppressed, full of anger and bitterness, and struggling to come to grips with things that happened in your past? It may be time to cleanse your home of harmful influences.

First, walk through your home and identify anything that causes you to feel anger or bitterness. These could include:

all IBLP publications
navy and white clothing
certain music and videos (Year in Review, Instruments of Praise...)
red synthetic carpet
and/or faux-English decor
any photo of a group of people
in matching clothing
fancy Scripture calligraphy
any multi-step
directive (such as "10 Ways to Be More Enthusiastic")
grain mills
hot rollers (for those long, soft curls -- hello ladies, time for a new hairstyle!)
character quality notecards
anything containing the phrase "universal, non-optional"
brass lamps
Basic CARE bulletins
gifts from Bill G -- all those clocks!
name tags
long khaki skirts or jumpers
IBLP logo shirts
Denton Brothers courtship stories
your family coordinator's phone number
Large poster of Bill Gothard's face titled: Big Brother is Watching You

Grab a large garbage sack, fill it up, and haul it out of your house. Or build a bonfire and burn it all. Do not pass these dangerous items to another unsuspecting person. You may require several attempts to root out all the offending items, so keep at it until you no longer feel the evil influence.
-Submitted by guest poster AM




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