Tuesday, August 30, 2005
ALERT men wimp out
SOMEWHERE, Texas - Homeschoolers often note the ubiquitous presence of ALERT men at homeschool conferences, particularly in the vicinity of attractive young women.
During a recent homeschool conference in Somewhere, Texas, however, parents were grieved to witness a shocking display of cowardice. On the second day of the convention, a number of protesters broke past security and began demonstrating in the exhibit hall. The protestors accosted attendees and generally acted in a rude and threatening manner.
A homeschool mother, recalling that ALERT training develops the discipline, character, and skills necessary to prepare men to meet the needs of people in crisis, decided to call upon ALERT men for help. Repeated calls on the walkie-talkie, however, were never responded to by the ALERT men.
"Just think of it," said the homeschool mother. "When the protestors were insulting the virtue of our daughters and attacking our homeschool values, the ALERT para-military boys were hiding!"
This mother and several others had no choice but to act as a human shield to bar the protestors admission to the conference. After engaging in a Red-Rover-type struggle for half an hour, the homeschool mothers finally threw back the protestors.
Soon afterward several ALERT men appeared on the scene, only to be scolded and berated by several irate conference attendees. "The actors in Mel Gibson's movie The Patriot are better trained than you!" said one mother.
ALERT men were seen beating a hasty retreat.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
The Institute of Basic Life Principles recently announced that, having discovered that the days of the week are named after pagan gods, it plans to re-name each day for a character quality.
"We were shocked to realize Christians have been using a worldly system of days," said an Institute staffer. "For example, Thursday was named for Thor, the Norse God of Thunder!"
"God has called mature Christians to live above the standards of the world," said Bill Gothard.
The Institute will also recall all previously-sold IBLP Character Calendars and will issue new calendars with Institute-approved days of the week, for a small fee.
X-ATI Guy obtained a draft proposal of the new days of the week, listed below.
Sunday Self-Control Day Monday Meekness Day Tuesday Thoroughness Day Wednesday Wisdom Day Thursday Thriftiness Day Friday Flexibility Day Saturday Sincerity Day
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
ATIA's Patron Saint
The Advanced Training Institute International recently announced that it will start the canonization process for the 102 families who originally joined the home education program formerly known as ATIA.
The Institute decided to nominate ATI's pilot families for sainthood after recognizing the need for modern Heroes of Faith. "These courageous parents and obedient children have raised a standard for thousands of ATI students and parents," said an ATI spokesman. "It is time to honor their character by making them saints."
Families applying for sainthood must meet the following criteria:
- Fathers who faithfully lead the family in Wisdom Searches.
- Mothers who have discovered the secrets of child raising.
- No rebellious children in the family. College-age children must have returned home when the family joined ATIA.
- Children who can sing in harmony and recite Scripture with hand motions.
- Must have attended every annual ATIA conference (Oklahoma City, Indianapolis, Knoxville, Regional Seminars).
- A home that is free of the sensual influences of worldly books, rock music, and television.
- Must have performed at least three documented instances of mighty deeds.