Sunday, August 22, 2004

Training Center Life - Part 1
An Investigative Report
A description for the uninitiated. X-er visits the Indianapolis Training Center and reports on his observations.

Morning Wake-Up Show
Training center life begins at approximately 5:30 a.m. when you angrily wake up to pile your pillow, the bed comforter, and all of your winter sweaters against the PA speaker in order to muffle the morning wake-up program. Training centers derived this form of torture from Siberian concentration camps that played music at ungodly hours to disorient the prisoners. The PA speakers are usually not volume adjustable, and FAA regulations make it a federal offense to tamper with, disable, or destroy these devices. The morning wake up show usually begins with quiet, meditative music to gently lull the residents from their slumber. The morning guy then gets on: "Good morning, Indianapolis Training Center!" and provides vital information for the day such as the barometric pressure, the weather forecast, and important events. My observation is that informing ITC residents, who rarely venture outside, of the day's weather is about as useful as telling them the price of oil in Tanzania.

The announcement guys range from slightly humorous to infuriating, depending on the amount of excessive enthusiasm they invested in their delivery. Next comes a Bible Reading by the Alexander Scourby guy, which offers a soothing opportunity to fall back asleep. But you'll quickly be jarred awake by upbeat big band music.

X-er once begged morning show guy to accidentally slip some more aggressive music into the PA CD player, or to tune the radio to the Howard Stern Show, but morning show guy wisely refused.

Morning Devotions
Morning devotions are a mandatory part of obtaining the food they call "breakfast" at the training center. One instantly recognizes themes in the morning devotions: Pastor MacWha's "the dumb get dumber," and Mr. Gergeni's insightful readings from My Utmost for His Highest are two examples.

The trick to avoiding morning devotions has been perfected by some residents. In the brief space of time between finishing your food and when the speaker steps up to the podium, you must grab your cell phone, pretend to take an urgent call and unfortunately have to step out. Of couse, this trick will only work so many times before people start to notice, so sit with different people. Since you can't sit with the opposite gender, the available pool is quite small.

Unfortunately, this technique is no longer successful. It became so popular that when the morning's speaker would stand up to deliver devotions, several dozen people would rush out "talking" on their cell phones as if a national security crisis had just occurred.

"Meals"
Is the food as bad as they say? While respectfully admiring the work the kitchen staff performs, we must say...yes.

Prayer Rooms
No discussion of training center life would be complete without an analysis of prayer rooms. X-er had no opportunities to experience prayer rooms first hand, although he once guarded the door to prevent an occupant from escaping.

The Opposite Gender
The opposite gender is the most dangerous thing you can encounter at a training center. They provide a literal minefield of explosive opportunities.

The danger is in the leadership "noticing" that you are singling someone out, so the key is to spread your attentions so wide that you cannot be accused of singling out any one person. The problem, of course, is that you are then viewed as a public menace.

A few basic rules to observe will help you navigate the opposite gender. When entering the dining room, never voluntarily sit at a table that is occupied completely by the opposite gender. Avoid sitting directly next to the opposite gender. Never talk to the opposite gender in the lobby. Avoid smiling too much at the opposite gender. Not only do you risk the attention of the leadership but the object of your smile may begin to fall for you and will talk to her friends, who will in turn communicate your evil desires to the proper authorities. Never get caught on the 13th floor with the opposite gender.

to be continued...

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

And, unfortunately, the aforementioned perspective of The Opposite Gender haunts many unsuspecting students (subjected to even a mere cumulative 6 weeks at ITC) who later have difficulty shaking the mindset. The Opposite Gender perspective seems to be particularly prevalent at this particular location.

Imagine, then, a young lady's horror at hearing a male voice in her room every morning over the loudspeaker...

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

quoting you- 'Training center life begins at approximately 5:30 a.m. when you angrily wake up to pile'

Yeah - I thought it was a radio on the first day - nobody had warned me. I was half-asleep and had only had about three hours of sleep and I said "Please shut it off!" My stomach was hurting very badly. My room-mate said "I can't shut it off." But I didn't understand.

'in the brief space of time from when you finish your breakfast and the speaker steps up to the podium...'

one is not allowed to eat *during* the devotions.

'Avoid sitting directly next to the opposite gender. '

right - well, guess what some guys did. they would sit next to a girl, (for a specific purpose), but then, just to make it look like they were innocent as a dove (got this whole "halo" thing goin' on), they would pull their chair away from her. Or other techniques - Like, sit at the same table, but pretend to ignore the female(s), when really they were there for specific reasons. not going into detail here, but there were ways of doing things. (if they could not sit at the same table, guys and girls would sometimes even sit at _nearby_ tables, for specific reasons.)

'although he once guarded the door to prevent an occupant from escaping.'

uh... Benedict?! traitor?! Just kidding. It wasn't your fault. :)

'of singling out any one person. The problem, of course, is that you are then viewed as a public menace.'

exactly. that is hilarious.

'wake-up program. Training centers derived this form of torture from Siberian concentration camps
that played music at ungodly hours to disorient the prisoners'

ha ha ha ha *grin* the historic origins of this kind of stuff, makes me so nostalgic, ha ha.

'irritation by unscrewing the face and
poking the speaker so that it fell down inside the wall and was muffled by insulation.'

good idea, why didn't i think of that? wonderful! :)

'FAA regulations make it a federal offense to disable, tampering or interfere with these devices.'

hm! i sure didn't know that!

'informing ITC
residents, who rarely venture outside, of the day's weather is about as useful as telling them the price of oil in Tanzania'

exactly right. you got it. *big grin*

'Never talk to the opposite gender in the lobby. Avoid smiling too much at the opposite gender.'

Wait a minute! "Stop the TAPE!!!" I want to correct this: "Never talk to the opposite gender AT ALL. Do not smile AT ALL at the opposite gender."

It is interesting to note that Leadership (at one time) encouraged the young men to seat the ladies at the dining tables, like young gentlemen of yore did to be courteous. The young men had to help her in the process of sitting and scooting the chair in at the table. However, despite this chivalry, the young men were NOT encouraged to carry it even one step further. After being seated, they were basically supposed to sit down and shut up, unless speaking to another young gentleman.

'and will talk to her friends, who will
in turn communicate your evil desires to the proper authorities'

You are absolutely right. That doesn't mean that every single one of them would inform Leadership, but there are certain ones. It is sometimes hard to know which ones would do it and which ones would not. And that applies to other situations as well.

right on. two thumbs up.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you commented that the perspective on the opposite gender was especially prevalent at this location. Right. some say it is because of the LITs (juvenile delinquents), that the rules are more strict there. I just wonder if maybe it wasn't carrying things just a bit too far, regardless.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At the 1998 Young Men's Counseling Seminar, my three roommates decided they had had quite enough of the morning wake up.

One afternoon I opened the room door to find them disassembling the speaker unit in the wall, and a stray wire hung out of a gaping hole where the cover had been. Hilarious.

12:11 AM  

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