Sunday, July 03, 2005

OAK BROOK, Illinois - IBLP recently announced a merger between the ATI homeschooling program and McDonalds. "It was simply the next step of integrating the Character First! training in the workplace. We are taking it to a whole new level," said IBLP and ATI founder Bill Gothard.

Noting the similarities between the Wisdom Booklets and the ever popular McD's menu, Mr. Gothard recently shared marvelous insights he gained while doing a McNugget-and-BBQ-sauce-only fast. "I was ordering breakfast when I noticed that there are exactly 49 items on the menu. I was so excited I forgot to get my soda!" He and his staff worked late for three days and found that each item corresponds with a character quality and a Command Of Christ. They are sending out the first two in the monthly Basic Care bulletins and the rest will be available in book form by the next Training Conference at Big Sandy. ATI families are encouraged to eat only McDonalds food and to share it at their local church potlucks.

Critics noted concern about the empty calories and possible health problems from eating so much junk, authorities responded that the menu includes balanced meals for all ages and the food is made under strict health department rules and FDA approval. "These are proven life-changing foods that have proven effective for feeding Russian orphans and LITs and have found their way into schools and workplaces all over the world," stated an IBLP McCharacter publication. "The seven basic Value Meals can fill anyone's hunger if eaten on a regular basis."

Ivan Benhad, a new ATI father from California noted; "We met this family in our local church whose children had such bright countenances that we couldn't help notice the ketchup on their faces and we found out they were in this program based on universal, non-optional principles. My wife encouraged me to apply, and after she prayed about it we told the children that there were going to be some major changes in our home. We threw out the TV and the fridge."

We contacted local McDonalds and asked about any immediate changes we should look for other than the obvious new color schemes. An employee in St. Louis, Missouri informed a journalist that Happy Meals will now contain figures of animals that show character. He admitted to marketing concerns, however: "They won't be as popular as Spider-Man if you ask me."

An inside source from an unnamed TC in Indianapolis spoke on condition of anonymity."This news has been met with mixed feelings. First of all, it has been a major shock because we hear of opportunities like this at least twice a month and this has been the first success since the Character Inn. Most of the staff have been glad to resolve the stronghold that nutrition had on their lives and change their diet to the powerful flavor found in cheeseburgers. Personally, I don't care. At least McDonalds employees earn minimum wage."

~Matthew Sesser


Blogger Semirrahge said...

"At least McDonalds employees earn minimum wage." Ooooh. Burn!

Great article! "The Seven Basic Value Meals" was an awesome touch.

Thanks for the smile!

3:02 PM  
Blogger the Joneses said...

I find the very idea of IBLP being involved with McDonald's very offensive. Everyone knows that cheeseburgers are a clear violation of Scripture.

-- SJ

3:32 PM  
Anonymous Pierponts said...

The staff needs to watch the SuperSize Me video to help keep them balanced in this new McVenture. All the extra lives touched by Mr. G's emphasis on reversals are going to be cancelled out by heart attacks and early expirations due to McDonalds fatty meals.

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I don't care. At least McDonalds employees earn minimum wage."

LOL - that really cracked me up... and hey, they don't have to PAY to work either! What a novel idea!

10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was awesome! I loved the part about the character animals in the happy meals--we all know that the flying squirrel has a lot more character than batman!

10:09 AM  
Anonymous oink. I'm a pig! said...

That is just too rich. Great satire.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

what's wrong with spider-man?! :)thanks for a good laugh.

9:43 PM  

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