Tuesday, August 24, 2004

How to Survive the Training Center Life
Some of you may have the misfortune of working for a training center. If this is your plight, we offer a few simple rules to improve your stay. Most of these methods are time-tested and have proven successful.

Make Friends Strategically. It is wise to have a friend in each important department who can grant you favors at key moments in your training center life. A friend in the transportation department will get you a non-group ride when you're tired of going to Wal-Mart in buses with the rest of the TC. A friend in the kitchen will give you access to the coffee pot and left over desserts. And a friend on security might fail to notice when you are out past curfew.

Do not talk to Cosmo girls. Unfortunately, Cosmetology girls have received the reputation of being "ungodly". Therefore, any young man seen talking to, sitting with, or even in close proximity to a Cosmo girl is immediately implicated for carousing with Defrauding Women.

We are not aware of what contributed to this character assassination but we assume that the leadership had a reason for declaring Cosmo girls evil. Perhaps the limited permissible contact is only way you can get vain young men to volunteer themselves for free haircuts from inexperienced hair cutters. It is very common to see young men with patchy haircuts literally glowing from female company while riding the elevator down from the 13th floor.

Identify opportunities for revenge. If you live at a training center it is virtually impossible to avoid being called on the carpet for some infraction. The reason is that training centers are crawling with witnesses who feel morally responsible for your sin if they do not report it to the leadership. Sometimes you can identify the informant by calling to mind the people who saw your sin. Other situations may require more cunning. Express your gratitude to the leadership for the courage your brother in Christ (rat fink) demonstrated by reporting your sin. Indicate that you are grateful for this brother's (rat fink's) concern over your spiritual wellbeing, and ask who this kind brother (rat fink) is so that you can approach him to become your accountability partner.

Of course, you have no such intention, but BOY does it sound good.

After you identify the rat fink, demonstrate creativity in discovering ways to get your revenge. The key is to take action that cannot be linked to you, such as placing sensual materials in the rat's desk or backpack.

Identify the brownnosers and NEVER reveal your shortcomings to them. We all have moments of transparency, but be careful not to have a moment with someone who will immediately march over to the TC director's room. How to identify them? They sit at the head table uninvited and frequently visit the director's room. They dress in full navy and white when Mr. Gothard in town, usually hang out in the lobby.

Don't Smoke. For some unexplained reason, residents of training centers have an overwhelming compulsion to attempt smoking at some point in their stay. Be warned: smoke alarms do work, and cigarette smoke CAN be detected from outside your room.

Breaking Rules: break rules for the joy of it, not so that you can brag to your buddies and teammates. Those who talk get caught and make life hell for the rest of us.

Get sent home. This method, by far, is the best way to survive training center life. Unfortunately, the stigma is difficult for parents to accept. Even worse, it usually eliminates future ATI opportunities.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Even worse, it usually eliminates future ATI opportunities." What!? "Even worse"?!? That's the best part! Never again will you endure the misery, manipulation and mind-numbing misapplications of Scripture! (I was, sadly, unable to be sent home when I was there. I was Mr. Gothard Jr.)

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL...oh how true...but I'll second the above in

"Even worse, it usually eliminates future ATI opportunities." What!? "Even worse"?!? That's the best part!

1:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch!.. My liver hurts from laughing.. From someone who has experianced everything you talk about at the ITC, this is just too much.

"A friend in the kitchen will give you access to the coffee pot and left over desserts" - Ahh.. yes this is a good tip, many a security night I snuck into the kitchen with the key to devour the tasty treats

"We are not aware of what contributed to this character assassination but we assume that the leadership had a reason for declaring Cosmo girls evil" - That's what I never understood, you setup this little school, invite a bunch of non-ATI girls to come to it and then you then denounce them as evil. It was like two different worlds. I friggin' cut my hair with a small pair of scissors just to avoid being around them though. Most of them were stuck up witches.

"Identify opportunities for revenge" - Many a night I've spent thinking on how I could plot a perfect revenge on my old ITC adversaries, but alas my Wisdom Booklet knowledge comes back to haunt me with terrible tales of mysterious diseases and demonic forces if I become bitter at my captors.

"Breaking Rules-break rules for the joy of it" - Ahh that was the best part, the fun, not the bragging rights. It's like the black market..

Bonus tip -- Don't go to a training center for specific mission, just "volunteer" and you can get away with a H*ll of lot more : )

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Even worse, it usually eliminates future ATI opportunities." Perhaps this is an example of sarcasm?

4:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOU ARE FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!! i loved it all! i would soooo enjoy forwarding it on to my previous church and all my lil ATI friends whose parents disaproved of me greatly cuz i wore *gasp* PANTS to church!!

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you know who you can and cannot hook up with in the secret little hallways when you are lonely for a little fun and company.

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Brian May said...

You sir are hilarious. I personally was not inundated with requests for future institute engagements after being sent home from indy. Whoops... However, they did keep sending me mass mailings every so often for years. Pretty amusing when I visited my parents and would have an application there inviting me to some new "opportunity" that they'd have turned me down for as soon as they read my name. Someone in the mail room must not have gotten the memo...

ps. SLICK!??!?!

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the list but you forgot the best part! If you are lonely for company of the opposite sex, make eye contact during one of the meals. They go ga-ga for the attention. Then meet up with them in the service elevator adjoining to the laundry rooms and push the stop button for a quick make out session. I was there ten years ago, but im sure its still widely done.

4:15 PM  

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