Wednesday, December 19, 2007

ATI concerned that "ALERT isn't cool anymore"
Confidential documents obtained from the Advanced Training Institute headquarters show that the leadership is "greatly troubled" about the dwindling numbers of ALERT recruits.

There was a time when the sight of an ALERT troop rappelling from the Knoxville
dome with an American flag inspired awe and patriotism (and strong romantic
feeling among the young ladies). These days ALERT feats hardly raise an
eyebrow.

The military bearing, cargo pants and walkie-talkies just don't
seem to inspire the same admiration. We actually saw a group of girls walk by
three ALERT men without looking at them. The novelty is clearly gone.
What measures can IBLP take to "up the coolness" factor?

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Without a doubt, tats and piercings. Or maybe Mr Gothard could inspire us all by dressing out as an Alert four star general complete with some kind of Batman utility belt.

4:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

smoking. it's been proven that smoking makes you 30% cooler.

6:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alert is still around and is doing badly? I thought once they opened it up to "outsiders" it became THE place to send your malcontented, brooding child who was in need of a little ass-kicking drill instruction. To boost its image I think it needs to start a war with another militia type organization, kind of the “Canadian Bacon” movie type deal. Maybe they could attack some sort of Arabian para-military group or all go on a mission to find Osama? Here’s a truly great idea, storm Virgin Records stores and destroy the “weapons of mass destruction” = Rock Music they sell.

Hey, it worked for the US...

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe instead of the snore inducing CDs they produce(d) they could do a revealing topless calendar. You know what I'm talking about, the firefighters calendar types you see in the mall stands. That would send the females into a heart throbbing pandemonuem, thus showing to every Alert Cadet, man this "real" Alert thing isn't so bad. I might get to talk to a girl if I sign up.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Pepper said...

Do I read this right? 7 posts in one month? and the month isn't even over yet? SCORE!!!! Just letting you know - we still read - even if you don't write! Love what you're doin'!

7:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

People have finally realized that fundamentalism and wild patriotism isn't true Christianity. People have moved on and have realized the emperor has no clothes. May ALERT continue to dwindle in attendance.

5:06 PM  
Blogger TulipGirl said...

ALERT isn't PoMo enough for people now. . .

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Angela said...

wow... yes, the empoeror has no clothes. another thing is that there's something extremely subversive about people who don't fit into normal society walking around in saying "we just want to help, we just want to help!"

ALERT was probably the inspiraion of a few good men within gothard's ranks who feared the total draining of testosterone from the "perfect model". once you refuse to sit down to eat the entire flavorless meal anymore, it's pointless to break off a chunk.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the Abercrombie idea...

7:39 AM  
Anonymous Former ATI-er said...

Not only do almost all the ALERT guys look dorky (I mean, come on! They don't all have to part their hair to the side like a little kid, or have a military cut) but the girls probably are afraid that if they even look in the general direction of a guy that they would be repremanded and sent into the penitentiary.
ATI gives an unspoken that it is nearing temptaion and close to sin if you look a guy in the eyes or start conversation with one. Way back, years ago when I was at the Indy Training Center for a "short" 3 months I constantly felt that a magnifying glass was on me. How is she pushing the rules? Is she standing close enough to a guy to touch him? Is she singing praise choruses instead of Hymns?! Did she just enter the elevator that had a boy in it?!

6:39 PM  
Blogger James said...

Maybe if they invaded a small country in God's name... oh wait, that's already been done.

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two words: chewing tobacco

6:09 AM  
Blogger Lily Pad PR said...

honestly, they could become ALERT Secret Service and treat BG like a terrorist ad take him out. That would make ALERT 1 MILLION times cooler

Tats, piercings, rock concerts, smoking, having some playmates on your arms- they'll help, but unless you're Ryan Reyonlds w/ a Triple H bod- there isn't much chance of that happening. Plus this new generation of "ALERT" prime boys aren't interested in uniforms- they wanna be cool, skateboarder rockstars not to be in a fake army.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Tabasco drinking contest might work.

5:30 PM  
Anonymous ATI420 said...

I was in ALERT. Earlier on when it was just getting started. Like when the mind games were par for course and Bill Gothard put on the General's uniform. The good old days.

Now hear this: the problem with ALERT is just one thing: no chicks.

That's the whole problem right there. If you want to overhaul the ALERT program you need to give those guys chicks.

12:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Endorsements! To be cool you have to do endorsements. They could do ads for like a new Gilette razor with 8 blades.

jonnykatz

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hookers.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

ALERT ROCKS! You guys have 'issues' lol but you def know how to present them in an amusing way!

8:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alert got to see chicks, cause the Excel progarm and Alert program were in the same area. The girls just got bored of only being able to watch and never being able to join in flying down the zipline or repelling off of some dome. Oh but, I guess it would help if the chicks weren't related...and if they could talk to them without someone of importance(you know who you are) seeing it and reporting that there was a boy talking to a girl. Isn't that why they created Alert and Excel in the first place? To seperate the boys from the girls. So, since we weren't alowed to do anything but sit and become rubies and the perfect proverbs 31 women and sing. We created arm wrestling during lunch and "quiet time". but please, keep the arm wrestling on the DL. Mr. Bill Gothard still hasn't found out. :)

10:21 PM  
Blogger Fredy Frankle said...

Alert scares the shit out of me now but when I was 7 I thought they were cool

4:08 PM  

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