Thursday, August 26, 2004
Chicago, IL - The 13th ATI Olympics is being held in Oak Brook, IL, running concurrently with the better known yet radically less significant Olympic Games in Athens, Greece. Hundreds of representatives from more than 3 countries have descended upon Oak Brook to battle it out in such competitions as Sleep Depravation, Longest Quiet Time and Least Amount of Knowledge about the Opposite Gender.
Representing the USA in a new sport called Grieved, was an elder statesman who asked that he remain anonymous in order to protect himself from developing a spirit of pride. However, we can tell you that his name rhymes with Heith Mumley. Unfortunately, after getting off to a great start with 48 Statements of Grief in one five-minute walk-through of a local church, "Heith" was surpassed by a fellow American who also has requested anonymity, but whose name rhymes with Prian Bound. "Prian" was able to find an unheard of 53 Statements of Grief in the same time period. Round two will commence at the usual 4:15 a.m. tomorrow after the requisite 2-hour quiet time.
Two staple events, Self Flagellation and Spiritual Condescension pitted two relative newcomers to the ATI Olympics against each other. Though new to the Games and still under 13 years of age, both contestants were able to withstand subfreezing temperatures while being intermittently scalded with boiling oil and beaten with Character Sketches Vols. I and II. When asked how he could endure such elements, the younger competitor, Hezekiah Ishmael Ben-Hani Johnson said, "I sang the Smile Song until my smile froze. I also thought about the Cheerful Chickadee. I feel so close to God." But edging out the younger Johnson in the Spiritual Condescension competition, was 13 and a half year old Abednego Azariah Adams. He had memorized the phrase, "Foolishness is bound the heart of a child" in every language known to mankind including ancient Cyrillic and Sanskrit. Not to be outdone, Johnson responded with an upset win in the Humility Marathon. He confessed his spirit of pride 412,391 times while running 26.2 miles barefoot on broken glass and road salt.
Instead of the worldly gold, silver and bronze medals handed out by the devil in Athens, each victor is given the coveted opportunity to donate $100 a week to the Ministry in exchange for the pleasure of working 60 hours per week mowing Headquarters' lawns with scissors. In lieu of cash donations, victors are allowed to substitute any equity they may have built in their homes or businesses.
In Other News
George Mattix easily cruised to a 5th consecutive victory in the Captain Furious finals. He was able to lose complete control of his temper while lying in a beautiful flower garden reading Shakespearean Sonnets while receiving a 2-hour full-body massage sipping virgin strawberry daiquiris in 70-degree sunny weather. He berated his masseuse so severely that she converted to Islam and left her husband and three young kids.
Bill Gothard decided not to defend his world record 8 victories in the Least Amount of Knowledge about the Opposite Gender competition. His previous victories showcased his ability to offer relationship advice that was so useless and impractical that it was summarily dismissed by 99.8% of women outside the Ministry. No decision yet on who will represent the Americans; there are simply too many suitable successors and no clearly dominant participant has emerged.
-Submitted by guest poster Topeka