Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Modesty collars protect young ladies
Sources within the Oak Brook headquarters of IBLP have recently learned of a new insight Mr. Gothard is preparing to share to ATI families at this year's training conference in Knoxville, Tennessee. For years, ATI girls have struggled with how to effectively draw attention to their bright countenance with their attire. Initially, a red bow was recommended to complement a soft, wavy, 80's hairstyle that appropriately framed the face and brought out the bright eyes. However, the red bows became problematic when it was learned certain young men visualized the collarbone beneath the red bow. Those young men have been properly rehabilitated and have made vague, public, training-center apologies about their "certain problem."

During his annual wilderness encounter at the Northwoods Mr. Gothard visited a local veterinary clinic while researching the much anticipated "Volume IV" of the Character Sketch series. While there, Mr. Gothard noticed several animals wearing plastic collars to prevent them from interfering with their healing from surgery. "The collars literally leaped off the dogs for me!" Gothard was quoted as saying, "I received the profound insight this was the way to properly highlight the bright countenance of our young people." An aide was said to have quipped, "Talk about a marvellous, thrilling sight!"

Plans are underway to provide each ATI family with a daughter over the age of thirteen a collar of the proper shade of beige to complement her skin tone. Families with more than six children will receive a discount, reversal children are free as always. The collars will ship to families shortly after the 2005 Knoxville training conference.

Several young men are reported to resent the new directive. "It's bad enough they button their collars beyond their Adam's apple! How can we sneak a kiss in the elevator with that contraption?! It's like a chastity belt for the face!" The young man has been sent home.

-Rebel poster Vincent Vega


Blogger Seabhag said...

ROFLMAO. Dang.. That is really funny. Thanks RR.


2:45 PM  
Blogger Seabhag said...

I can't type tonight.. change that "RR" to "VV" and I'll shut up now.


2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


You must have been out of ATI for a while now. They don't do Knoxville anymore. They do Big Sandy. Get with the program, man. Gee, I almost bought the story - except when you mentioned Knoxville. Keep up with the changes, man.

7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To some of us X-ers, Knoxville is more than just a place . . . it's an experience that we can never forget, no matter how hard we try! "Big Sandy", while maybe more current, just doesn't have the same effect.

5:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or, perhaps the 2005 Knoxville goes with the IV Character sketch? Ever hear of sarcasm people?

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put a period after the word 'thirteen' in the third paragraph and it makes a very funny sentence in its own right.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Chix0r Girl said...

To Anon #2:

The Muslims say similarly about Mecca. :P

7:56 AM  

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