Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Hair Design the IBLP Way (and God's way, of course)

ATI's newest exciting program...

Godly young ladies attending the Hair Design Workshop can become competent and experienced in the skill of enhancing the outward appearance to the glory of God. This ministry may be used in the home to meet the needs of family members, friends, church members, and the elderly.

Young ladies must be careful to not cut hair outside this sphere of influence, as such a practice might lead to a profession outside the home, causing satanic darts to pierces through the "umbrella of protection." As we know, this umbrella is only available to a woman while inside her home, provided her father or husband is at home. Also, since accepting others outside your sphere of influence may actually lead to you being paid for your services, this would no longer be a ministry and therefore the Lord will remove His blessing from your work. Lastly, by only making your ministry available to family members, friends (fellow ATI grads), church members and the elderly, you will lessen the attacks of the Devil. Since you may get tempted by a woman of ill repute who may bring a worldly magazine to your home to show you how she would like to have her hair styled -- not to lift her countenance, but rather to draw attention to her . . . womanly attributes, so she can be flirtatious and cause little boys to have lascivious thoughts that could lead to the sin of Onan. So please, keep it in the home, don't make any money off it, and whatever you do, don't do anything that will pop even the tiniest hole in your umbrella of protection.

Warning!!! Keep that "Umbrella of Protection" away from the "Hedge of Thorns!!!" These are two very different universal non-optional principals and they cannot be intertwined!!!

Phase One of the Hair Design Workshop will include two days of instruction on the attributes of hair! This includes never before heard of insights to the characteristic of human hair that were recently discerned by Bill Gothard himself after he memorized and mediated on the only four hair passages that are found in the Bible. You won't believe what hidden truth he discovered when meditating on Judges 16:17. Blunts and under cuts, advanced techniques in layers, tapers, stacking, male clipper cuts, and much more will be included in the seminar. Instruction will also be given on the only haircut ordained by God for men. Well, most men, that is--those "Queer Eye for the Straight Guys" types are hopelessly lost since they have gone all the way down the reprobation chart and have almost no hope of even climbing their way back. Using the male clipper cut principal, you will be taught how to never leave any hair over the ear or have it touch the white shirt collar or heaven forbid the blue suit collar!

Phase Two (advanced) is designed to further equip you in cosmetology skills for your ministry. This course includes advanced techniques in haircutting, hair design, perm wrapping, manicures, pedicures, skin care, make-up, protocol, hospitality, etiquette, and building your ministry. Prerequisite is Phase One completion. Special attention will be paid to hair colors and making sure you understand Godly hair colors as found only in His creation (no hot pinks, greens, blues or other colors found only in the false god worshiping Canaanite culture). Also, while manicures and pedicures are covered (how to trim your nails and clean your hands so they are wholly acceptable to Him), applying any type of color to the nail is not covered, since this is one of the 5 signs of a harlot. Only five to ten minutes is given to make-up, just to reiterate that it is forbidden, and is counter productive to countenance enhancement since it draws the attention of men to your face, and you know first the face, next the bosom and then the . . . aahhh don't you just hate those slippery slopes. Finally, material from the Song of Solomon is not covered until Phase Three!

Phase Three is currently under development but can only be attended by pastors wives who have had a hair design ministry in their home for at least 7 years, 7 months and 7 days and have had at least 8 offspring, and have never used any form of birth control (this is includes the rhythm method). Complete memorization of the Song of Solomon required. The main topic covered will be Hair Design and talking to the folks in your ministry about God's heavenly design for conjugal relations. For you Growing Kids Gods Wayer's out there, Gary Ezzo has granted special dispensation to Bill who will explain this to you with a "chalk talk." This features a diagram of a flower with a extremely explicit close up of both the stamen and pistil, all while rapidly repeating I Cor. 6:18.

-Submitted by {{{Candleman98}}}

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

AAAhhh, what a hoot, ROTFLOL!

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is lewd and blasphemous. You only think you are funny.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is lewd and blasphemous. You only think you are funny.

12:50 PM  
Blogger candleman said...

Hi anonymous,

Sorry, on second thought, I guess that closed up picture of the flower was a little on the lewd side. I'll try to refrain from lewd behavior in my future posts;)

{{{Candleman}}} aka lewd guy

9:43 AM  
Anonymous kirstin said...

last i checked makeup was not forbidden. it was even taught at EXCEL. proper understanding of makeup colors enhances the radience of your godly countenance. especially the myrhh of the lilies all natural goat milk herbal cosmetic formula designed by 2 single young (34 and 32) ladies living at home in submission to their fathers leadership while seeking a way to exhort other women to modest living - and as a cheap desperate attempt to snag a man of character *ahem* yes I just made all that up. but when all else fails, paint like its the 80s. all the texans still do.
I will never forget the trauma the first time I went to serve a godly student investing in the lives of the next generation of leaders at a CI and the teacher trainer was wearing RED nail polish. what is the institute coming to?

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only earth tone and pale nail polish is allowed, bright colors ( such as red heaven forbid) can be warn on your toes. With the understanding that socks and shoes must be covering them. No sandals!

2:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank GOD I escaped the IBLP cult!! I hope anyone left in it sees the light and starts questioning. As soon as you question the connections between the long overdramatized stories and the moral of these stories and the Bible...you'll start to see all of Gothard's teachings unravel. He plays on the emotions of his followers - and uses God's name to promote himself. At the end of the day, money goes out of the cult followers pocket into the cult leader's.

1:55 PM  

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