Saturday, September 04, 2004

ATI Enters the Sex Education Business
OAK BROOK, IL - In response to increasing criticism concerning the declining state of morality among high-school teens, Secretary of Education Rod Paige has requested help from Bill Gothard's Chicago-based Advanced Training Institute International. In what can only be described as an unprecedented shift in the focus of Public Education, Secretary Paige is asking that Mr. Gothard design and implement the entire Sex Education curriculum for every public school in America.

"Bill Gothard's work has been instrumental in completely changing the inner cities of Indianapolis, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Chicago and Moscow, Russia," said Secretary Paige. "From the reports that Mr. Gothard has sent us, there is not one remaining juvenile delinquent in any of those cities. These results are nothing short of staggering."

Mr. Gothard has been working tirelessly to provide Secretary Paige with preliminary curriculum ideas by October 15th. This is a strategically chosen date aimed at persuading undecided voters to support President Bush, whose No Child Left Behind policy will be replaced by Mr. Gothard's curriculum concepts.

Also unprecedented is the level of secrecy that surrounds the curriculum itself. Not even President Bush is privy to the information contained in Gothard's curriculum. However, in what Mr. Gothard called a "grievous" and "discouraging" turn of events, a small portion of the table of contents and portions of chapter one were leaked to the press. These leaked portions have drawn the ire of supporters of the current curriculum like Senator Ted Kennedy and the singer Pink, leading to some speculation that this new move may not give as significant a lift to President Bush's campaign as once thought.

In Chapter One, entitled "The Path to STDs", sex is defined as "an activity that grows babies". It also lists some rather controversial statistics, one of which states that "98.76% of all people who have had sex never want to have sex again because it's so vile and horrible, and it hurts really bad." Another statistic stated that "100% of people who kiss their partner before marriage die in violent car crashes." When asked about the source of these statistics, Gothard replied that he received them in a "rhema".

The table of contents revealed chapter titles that Gothard dismissed as "preliminary ideas that are open to revision":

Chapter Two: Sex Doesn't Feel Good
Chapter Three: Impregnating a Woman Without Touching Her
Chapter Four: All Women Have STDs Until They are Married
Chapter Five: Getting Pregnant by Listening to Usher
Chapter Six: Sex Causes World Wars

It is reported that President Bush, upon reading the table of contents, fled to Crawford where he is expected to announce tomorrow that he will cede the election to Senator Kerry on September 15th, more than a month before the official election.

-Submitted by guest poster Topeka

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's some bonus material that you could throw in -

Sex and the Sabbath: What you need to know about this forbidden practice

Lust=Sex: How many people who are virgins are no longer virgins due too their carnal minds

Dressed for Succ-Sex: How staying clothed during sex helps from defrauding your spouse

Fatal Kiss: The first person you kiss, you must marry

Married LUST: How spouses lusting after each other can turn into immorality

PV

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. Yer killin me! Now to decipher whats fact or fiction. ;)

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Vegan Hunter said...

ROTFLOL!
I first heard about oral sex at the Basic Seminar when I was 14. The discussion of it in the Advanced Seminar was given as a reason kids shouldn't attend the AS. (This conversation wasn't part of the official program - it took place between a couple of pastors sitting in front of me.) I was pretty surprised to hear that BG thought he could tell married couples what to do or not do in the privacy of their own home. Or backyard or car or whatever.

12:39 AM  

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