ALERT Undergoes Further Revision
BIG SANDY, Texas - The ALERT program has announced that it will undergo a new revision to improve ALERT's reputation and appearance. Program directors hope to eliminate excessive machoism and an overbearing authority structure while maintaining the program's core function as a haven for wayward ATI men.
This is the fifth revision ALERT has experienced in its short history and is in response to parents urging ALERT to "make the program easier."
"ALERT leadership does not wish to emphasize ungodly values or promote mere physical strength, so we are creatively adapting our skills to meet the unique needs of those in crisis," said a spokesman. "Our goal has always been to raise up young men who are mighty in spirit FIRST and physically disciplined second. Now, with these newest program changes, ALERT men won't even have to be disciplined."
The program overhaul involves eliminating all military ranks and lowering performance expectations. Physical exercise will no longer be doled out for punishment. Words such as "rigorous" and "difficult" have been deleted from promotional materials and the ALERT website. Training includes a new emphasis of positive attitudes and love for each other. Additional sessions on obedient smiling have been added.
ATI parents applaud this revision as a huge improvement. "I never wanted to send my son to ALERT," said one ATI mother, "but now I feel that the program is actually healthy. We're signing up today!"
Others have expressed doubt about ALERT's overhaul. "I call them girlie men!" exclaimed California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger when he heard of the changes.
Graduates of past units are also skeptical about the improvements. "I had to stand outside naked all night in seven feet of snow in the Northwoods to pass my Basic Training," said a graduate of Unit Three. "Making the program easier won't solve ALERT's problems."