Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Ask X-ATI Guy
DEAR X-ATI GUY: How can an x-ATI girl can get a guy? Not that she should initiate anything...but how does one respond? I am truly curious, totally serious, and definitely struggling under ATI "relationship strongholds."

-Truly Curious

DEAR TRULY CURIOUS: Your approach is all wrong. Three simple steps will help you in your (passive) pursuit.

1) Sign up on The Crossings. Post modest but complimentary pictures of yourself, and leave frequent comments in the forums about your general spirituality but growing worldliness. For example, start a thread entitled, "I like to drink Miller Lite while doing my devotions," or "What's the worst thing you ever did at a training center?"

You will immediately attract similarly-situated young men who, while still adhering to the basic truths of the Christian faith, have discarded unnecessary IBLP life restrictions and enjoy good times.

2) Upon attracting an appropriate victim, call him on the carpet. ATI guys -- even ex-ers like myself--are incredibly noncommittal. We know how to be gentlemen, we know how to engage in interesting conversations, and we know how to drive you wild with anticipation of love and marriage proposals. But our fatal flaw is our indecision. We struggle to take that bold step of sweeping a girl off her feet and taking her breath away with a soul-searching kiss. We'd rather just be friends.

You must shock your ATI guy from his platonic lethargy by demanding his intentions. Do not wait for your father to do this. If a young man hangs out with you, chats with you on IM, plays guitar until the wee hours of the morning and generally acts as if you are his best friend, do not settle for his uncommitted attentions. Advise him that you are in the market for a keeper and he can take his amateurish guitar strumming somewhere else if he has no plans beyond ungodly soul ties. You may lose a friend, but you may gain a husband.

3) Employ competition. Men have an insatiable appetite for the unique, the scarce, the coveted. Inform your victim that you admire some other guy, and would be open to this other guy's advances should he be interested in your father's phone number. Better yet, imply that he is engaged in preliminary negotiations with your parents. This will motivate the true object of your affection to act quickly. Of course, you may strike out if he appoints himself your relationship counselor and male guru. You'll then have to content yourself with his relational advice and emotional intimacy.

Happy hunting,



Anonymous Anonymous said...

i loved this :)

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm, may have to try this sometime ...

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh. Heh. Heh.

9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miller Lite? That isn't adhering to the basic tenets of
Christianity. That's sin if I ever heard it. Especially while reading Christian literature or the Bible.

Something like covanant theology or free will is hard enough to understand without drinking some watered down excuse for a beer.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or you could do like I've heard some do on Xings...and post skimpy pictures to give the picture moderator a lil something to enjoy.

-Jane Doe

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you said "Something like covanant theology or free will is hard enough to understand without drinking some watered down excuse for a beer" ha ha ha ha ha !

5:24 PM  
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9:49 AM  

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