EXCELlent Spirituality

We recently reported that EXCEL is a secret society. Since that time, X-er has been flooded with secret documents pilfered from the Dallas Training Center front desk. Of course, we will protect our source, even if we're thrown in a Prayer Room.

Particularly disturbing among these documents are the reports of casualties of the behavior modification and "Godly Image" program.

We've seen reports of girls curling their hair for hours to achieve the soft, wavy curls recommended. Others actually used eye drops and over-applied mascara to make their eyes appear brighter.

Disturbed by these reports, we asked our investigative reporter and guest poster Mairzy to look into other signs of EXCEL girls using artificial means to create a spiritual appearance. Here is Mairzy's report:

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At Excel, girls strive to appear spiritual by some of the following methods:

* Praying and speaking justly. As in, "Lord, I just thank You for the way You just rain down mercies and just correct us when we stray." "The Lord has just really stretched me and showed me how He just loves me and cares for me."

* Giving an ATI Vague testimony.
The testimony, Straight: "My sister drove me absolutely up the wall, and I always screamed at her and slammed the door in her face. Now I realize how wrong it is not only to give into such anger, but to treat another person with such contempt. God is helping me change my attitude toward her and learn to love her through Him."

The Testimony, ATI Vague: "God allowed a certain irritation in my life, and I responded wrongly. With rebellion in my heart I tried to solve it my way. Through His merciful correction, my heart was pricked and I saw how I had given over ground through anger and lack of genuine love. God has changed my heart, and now I can accept this irritation with gratitude!"

> Important ingredient in an ATI Vague testimony: God gives instant healing and maturity when you respond rightly. None of this "gradually changing" stuff.

* Repenting of romance books. I don't mean the secular Harlequin books, which really are pornographic (don't ask me how I know that). I mean Janette Oake and L. M. Montgomery. If you're a really good Excel girl, you don't read books like that, not even "occasionally." If another girl mentions them, you smile and say that you used to enjoy them, but God convicted you about them and you threw them away.

* Talking fondly of your father and your family. These people should be the primary outside characters in your conversation.

* Apologize for every offense, even those that no one could possibly know about. I had a girl come up to me at Excel and say, "I've had a wrong attitude toward you, and I shouldn't have. Will you forgive me?" I hardly knew her name, much less what I could have done to offend her. It's been ten years, and I still wonder what I did to irritate her.

* Wear the little blue bowtie at your neck. Only a few girls ever did this. They were pegged immediately as "model ATI girls," and you watched what you said around them.

-posted by X-er at 5:23 PM