Monday, January 10, 2005

The Bible Guide to Wife-Finding
As we all know, Scripture provides precise steps of action for any decision we make in life. Armed only with a Bible and a Strongs concordance, we can unlock the secrets of Scripture and develop helpful training courses for our weaker brothers and sisters. An alert X-er reader recently sent us one such course.

Top 10 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

10. Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

9. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Ruth 4:5-10)

8. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

7. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27)

5. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Esther 2:3-4)

4. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Exodus 2:16-21)

3. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Judges 14:1-3) [X-er note: This is not an effective method in ATI circles.]

2. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. (Genesis 29:15-30) [X-er note: Now that's the ATI way!]

1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. (Genesis 2:19-24)
Personally, I like number 5. Maybe at the next Miss Character USA? Other ATI-friendly relational advice can be found here and here.

(Hat tip: MG)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"7. Effectively Utilize Physical Contact
2 Samuel 15:5 And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.
Once you have gained a young woman's attention through your questions and have undermined her confidence in her authorities, put forth your hand, take hold of her, and kiss her."

Considering I was taught to not look at a woman ever and to make sure I wear modest pajamas once I am married so I don't defraud my wife, a step-by-step guide to kissing could answer many of my questions. Do I ask her father before we kiss? The first time or everytime? Will we receive extra blessings if we wait for our first wedding anniversary to kiss? How do I go from not looking at a girl to kissing her? Is it okay to kiss her if I don't look at her while doing so? ("Whososever looketh on a woman to lust after her...")

Please help me as I try to follow these principles toward finding my wife.

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


The first time on Crossings that I read that, I liked it so much I printed it out and hung it up on my wall. lol.


1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have to find a well. Water's a big thing for those biblical guys. Moses, Isacc, Jacob, even David had the whole watter thing going with Bathsheba.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One more: catch a woman taking a bath, than rape her, than kill her husband - and voila! you've got the wife,, who will bear you the wisest man on earth and an heir in the lineage of Christ!

5:43 PM  

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