Friday, October 29, 2004
Character Training for Terrorists Responding to recent threats by Al Qaeda terrorists, the Advanced Training Institute has developed a character training program for terrorists which it plans to send to the Department of Homeland Defense.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Foreign Delegation Scolded
INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana - Several members of a foreign delegation visiting the Indianapolis Training Center were rebuked this Thursday when the training center leadership discovered the delegates drinking on the 13th Floor.
"This is very disappointing," said a training center leader. "We spend a lot of money bringing these foreign visitors here to train them in godly character. It is a very poor example for the ATI students to have foreign leaders getting smashed in our facility."
The leadership decided to move the delegates to a Prayer Room where they could contemplate their misdeeds. A public apology to the staff will also be required. The confiscated liquor was poured down a sink by a trusted member of the kitchen staff.
"To offend the staff of this most excellent training center we did not want," said one of the delegates. "To Mr. Gothard's health we were drinking. This is a most respectful gesture performed with all sincerity."
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Reproduction Call
OAK BROOK, Illinois - IBLP has issued a call for ATI families to increase their reproduction and childbearing. Concerned about ATI's drop in enrollment, IBLP officials decided to appeal to their base, asking for commitments to bear more children. The appeal was first announced at an ATI Regional Seminar where hundreds of couples, weeping and repenting for their rejection of God's blessing, pledged to have at least one more child for God's glory.
Later, IBLP issued an Emergency Bulletin for ATI Families in which they explained the power of God's spirit that swept through these crowds of brave parents.
"In this wicked and perverse generation, there comes a time when we must raise up a standard and do everything in our power to establish godly principles in our country," the Bulletin said. "For you wives, your husband may have concerns about you voting in this election, and you need to submit to your husband's authority. But imagine the influence you can have in this nation if you just have three, four, or five more children."
New IBLP Reality Show
Our post about the IBLP TV station has been confirmed as true. Therefore, we propose a new television show to fill the IBLP TV station with godly programming.
The Godly Bachelor
Based on the ABC reality television series The Bachelor, The Godly Bachelor follows the same format in which 25 girls compete for the courtship pledge of one godly, though somewhat slightly boring, young man. The object of the show is for the young man to identify the most marriageable young woman, and to resist the charms of the other women.
What these 25 young ladies don't know, however, is that the young man gets a cash bonus for every week he is able to resist the temptation to enter a relationship. As a result, he becomes quite adept in treating them nicely without committing to a relationship.
Every week the young man must vote a young lady off the show based on her lack of eligibility. Eligibility factors include Cooking Skills, Housecleaning, Submission, Lack of Personality, Ability to Bear Godly Seed, and other important elements vital to a godly marriage. After voting each young lady off the show, the young man must give an explanation. He is expect to reject most women if any physical attraction exists.
Monday, October 25, 2004
IBLP Lexicon
Fulfilling its call to redefine all commonly understood words in Christianity, IBLP will issue a lexicon as a study companion to the new IBLP Bible due to be released later this year. Entries include:
- Salvation: asking Christ to give me the strength to obey his commands and build his good character in my life.
- Justification: the favor we gain before God by obeying Christ's commands.
- Baptism: a symbolic act whereby new believers dedicate themselves to obeying the God-given authorities in their lives.
- Love: motivating others to establish Godly standards and convictions in their own lives.
- Freedom: surrendering my physical desires to the spiritual desires of God and my authorities.
- Worship: thanking God for using me to glorify Him.
"Mr. G's insights often shed new light on commonly misunderstood words," said an IBLP spokesman. "Our new lexicon will help guide believers away from insipid, mainstream Christianity and into full maturity in Christ."
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Freedom restored
FLINT, Michigan - According to internal reports from the Riverfront Character Inn, the director of said Inn recently banned the use of Instant Messenger after an unfortunate incident in which a young woman chatted with a young man.
After much prayer and consultation with Bill Gothard, founder and president of IBLP, the RCI leadership has decided to lift the ban. With, we hope, stipulations on what constitutes appropriate use of this communication medium.
RCI residents rejoiced in their restored freedom, pointing out that many students depend on IM to communicate with parents, siblings, and secret lovers.
Insensitive....
A senior IBLP official angered thousands of mothers around the country when he referred to eBay.com as "the Christian alternative to soap operas."
The IBLP official was speaking at a local ATI church and came across a verse about laziness. In an impromptu remark, he said, "You know, I hear about a lot of these mothers who think it's okay to sit around on eBay all day long and neglect their families. Not only are they wasting time, but they're probably making purchases their husbands would not approve of."
Immediately, hordes of heretofore docile ATI mothers began jamming IBLP's phone lines, objecting to the man's statements. "The Proverbs 31 was commended for bringing in her merchant ships from afar," said a Mrs. Thompson, "and any time I spend on eBay is considered a valuable source of income for my family."
"If the Proverbs 31 woman were alive today, she'd be an online auctioneer too," she said.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
TC Director in Hot Water
The director of an unnamed training center inadvertently quoted the lyrics of several rock music songs during the staff devotional last week.
Upon hearing the lyrics, several students who had torn down the stronghold of rock in their lives were immediately plunged into spiritual warfare. One student experienced demonic visitation and suicidal impulses. "As soon as he quoted the songs, it was like a black cloud settled over the entire training center," said a kitchen worker.
Parents of the resident students complained to Headquarters, and it wasn't long before the TC director received a call from the Staff Center in Hinsdale, Illinois.
Witnesses said the director's talk was entitled "Crying out to God." During the devotional he told students, "We can always call on God's name. When you call his name, it's like a little prayer." The director said he experiences the most power in his prayer life in the midnight hour.
Later in his closing prayer, the director used lyrics from Metallica's Fuel. He is said to have prayed, "We desire you, O Lord. Give us fuel, give us fire, give us that which we desire." Later in the prayer he quoted Ozzy Osbourne's I Just Want You: "I don't ask much, O Lord. I just want you."
After speaking with Bill Gothard, the training center director issued a brief apology. "For my poor example, please forgive me. I know not what I do. I confess that I listened to rock music years ago as a carnal Christian, but that was a long time ago. What I've felt, what I've known, is that it is wrong. I've turned that page. I also want to thank God for you, Mr. Gothard: everything you say to me takes me one step closer to holiness. I meant no harm, I just think that we're all searching for God, and for some of us, we still haven't found what we're looking for."
Ask Bill
An ATI mother recently wrote to Mr. Gothard for counsel. X-ATI Guy obtained a copy of this letter.
Dear Mr. Gothard,
I appreciate your ministry and respect your wisdom, which is why I'm writing for your counsel in a decision I must make. You teach in the Basic Seminar about the Principle of Design and how we must accept the 10 unchangeables God has given us. Do you think it is wrong to change one's appearance when the condition is easily altered?
Here is my situation: my hair, which is normally black, has started going gray. Is it wrong to dye it?
I would like to dye it to mask the gray. I think it is important to maintain a consistent appearance in front of my children, who may not understand that their mother is susceptible to the natural aging process.
However, I do not want to violate the Principle of Design, because I know God's blessing on our lives is a result of how well we honor his word and obey his non-optional principles.
I would appreciate your counsel: is it God's will for a person to dye her hair?
Sincerely,
Cynthia, ATI mom in Orlando, Fla.
P.S. Perhaps you could publish my question and your answer in the next ATI newsletter!
We look forward to Mr. Gothard's response.
I appreciate your ministry and respect your wisdom, which is why I'm writing for your counsel in a decision I must make. You teach in the Basic Seminar about the Principle of Design and how we must accept the 10 unchangeables God has given us. Do you think it is wrong to change one's appearance when the condition is easily altered?
Here is my situation: my hair, which is normally black, has started going gray. Is it wrong to dye it?
I would like to dye it to mask the gray. I think it is important to maintain a consistent appearance in front of my children, who may not understand that their mother is susceptible to the natural aging process.
However, I do not want to violate the Principle of Design, because I know God's blessing on our lives is a result of how well we honor his word and obey his non-optional principles.
I would appreciate your counsel: is it God's will for a person to dye her hair?
Sincerely,
Cynthia, ATI mom in Orlando, Fla.
P.S. Perhaps you could publish my question and your answer in the next ATI newsletter!
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Student Confesses Commitment Addiction
TULSA, Ok - Kyle Youngblood, a 19 year old ATI student, recently sat down with his parents and confessed that he was addicted to making commitments, and asked for their prayer and accountability in breaking his bondage.
Speaking with us by phone, Kyle admitted that his commitment-making has been going on for some time. "I never met a commitment I didn't make," he said. "When I was eleven, I heard Mr. Gothard say that you can judge a man's maturity by the number of commitments he makes. I purposed to be a mature man."
"Knoxville, counseling seminars, Basic and Advanced seminars, regional conferences...I've made all the commitments."
Kyle's family attends the Basic Seminar every year in his hometown and he says he's made the commitments in the Basic at least 10 times each. "As soon as I hear the words 'would you raise your hand as an indication of the commitment you're making,' I lose control," he said.
Eventually, Kyle's commitment-making got out of hand. "I was making them all the time--four and five times a day. I couldn't stop. I even made commitments to make no more commitments...but nothing worked." Kyle knew he needed help, and that's when he sat down with his parents.
At first, Mr. and Mrs. Youngblood were stunned. Mrs. Youngblood struggled with feelings of responsibility. "What kind of monster have we created?" she asked her husband.
"We should have seen the signs," Mr. Youngblood admitted. "Kyle should have been hanging around at the mall like other normal teenagers. Instead, he was locked up in his room making commitments. We have no idea what kind of commitments he made in private."
"I even found a tattered copy of the 17 Basic Commitments booklet hidden under his mattress," said Kyle's mother. "We're so glad he's broken his silence and reached out for help."
As for Kyle, "I just want freedom from this," he says.
Kyle, we raise our hands with you.
Monday, October 18, 2004
ITC: No Starbucks
INDIANAPOLIS - Sam Harwell is an energetic young man with a vision for entrepreneurial opportunities. After completing his EQUIP training at the Indianapolis Training Center, Sam decided to stay on at the training center. "I had no complaints," he said in a private interview from his 6th floor room, "except the coffee they serve here is terrible."
Technically, students are banned from having coffee makers, hot plates, or other dangerous electrical appliances in their rooms. Additionally, the kitchen staff, well familiar with Mr. G's disapproval of coffee, avoids serving the brew.
Sam, however, identified a chance for a unique ministry, and engaged in private negotiations with Starbucks to open a franchise on the 13th floor of the ITC.
Sam decided not to tell the ITC authorities of his plan, figuring his franchise would stand a better chance of success if the leadership didn't meddle. "They say it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. I don't know if its easier, but it was better for my purposes."
He intended to run the franchise for weary staff, students and LIT residents, while picking up the occasional outside business from patrons of the cosmetology salon.
Ultimately, however, a slip of the tongue doomed Sam's new business. He happened to mention the idea to a friend, who told someone else, and soon, in true training center fashion, the whole staff knew.
"I had a candid talk with the training center director," said Sam. "I pointed out studies that prove a business's productivity rises about 15 percent when a Starbucks opens nearby. But he just said 'Let's not be doing that.'"
Saturday, October 16, 2004
The Protege
IBLP is developing a reality television show to air on the IBLP TV channel.
The program will be modeled after Donald Trump's wildly popular reality series The Apprentice. The series will be called I'm Bill's Little Protege (IBLP). Young people, particularly attractive, godly young women, will compete for a position on Bill Gothard's personal staff.
Contestants will be required to complete a rigorous application process to verify their commitment to Godly Standards. Once selected, participants will be judged on their character, godly looks, ability to memorize and blind obedience.
Losers will be condemned to service in Moscow.
"Apprenticeship is the godly method of training," said an IBLP spokesman.
Parents are thrilled about watching their sons and daughters compete for the opportunity to serve Mr. Gothard. "We rushed out and purchased our very first television," said one father in Missouri.
ATI Television Station
It has come to our attention from credible sources that IBLP is exploring the idea of launching a TV channel on SkyAngel Network.
The channel would be a direct connect satellite connection, similar to a HomeSat program, giving ATI families the ability to tune into godly programming.
Programming will include videos, biographical histories, student updates, international ministry news, and taped Q & A sessions with Mr. Gothard. The programming may even include a cooking channel to demonstrate how to cook godly, healthy meals.
Those close to the program say this has been discussed for at least three years, and could be a long time in coming. However, we have supreme confidence in our Godly Leader to induce God to perform the impossible.
Developing...
Institute-Induced Rage
A lot of people who served with IBLP share a common experience of rage. We don't talk about it much on this blog; I suppose because it's not very funny. But it is definitely a problem worth exploring, perhaps motivated by JollyBlogger's posts on dirty laundry and grace.
When I left the employment of IBLP I pretty much abandoned my faith for a while, thinking "If Christianity is about performance-based grace, irrelevant behavioral rules, and power-abusive authorities, I want nothing of it."
In an authoritarian structure where the authority is always right--nay, inspired by God--and where the person under authority is trained to accept all things from the authority's hand, the potential for abuse exists. I'm not just talking about physical abuse, although I have heard vague rumors from years ago. Sometimes emotional or spiritual abuse can be just as devastating. And in the context of IBLP life, it shows up in people using their power ("authority") to forcibly mold a person's thoughts, feelings, attitudes and convictions. This goes beyond being a good influence or giving good advice and rises to the level of abuse in my mind. Telling someone: "I have this conviction and you MUST adopt it as your own because I am your authority" is not how God wants us to motivate others to love and good works. This emphasis on control leads some to conclude IBLP is a cult.
And speaking of love, there is very little Christ-like love on the Institute campus. There is APPROVAL: if you live up to this set of ideals and behavior, we approve of you. But if you differ from the dictated standards and convictions, woe to you.
This is a lack of grace. Call it what you like, Bill, but grace is still God's unmerited favor for us. As much as IBLP tries to distance itself from the legalism label, it sticks when it comes to the expectations on staff, volunteers and families in general to abide by every single dogma. ES has a good testimony about grace when he tried to tell Mr. Gothard he didn't believe contemporary Christian music is wrong.
The rejection and judgmentalism is dangerous. This is how damage is inflicted from peer to peer in the Institute. Scripture tells us "then shall the world know you by the love you have for each other." Not for how high your standards are or what you believed or how loudly you condemned worldliness and poor character.
Sarte said "hell is...other people" and sometimes ATI Christians seem to believe this. Unfortunately, when we think of "the world" we unconsciously assume this includes all of the people who do not exhibit the fine character and high standards upon which we depend.
Of course, it is a lot easier to stand on in the corner and point fingers, and in recent years the Christian church has had quite a few scapegoats: entertainers, shock jocks, musicians.... Larry Flynt, Howard Stern, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, Eminem, Marilyn Manson and Tellatubbies.
But ATI people seem to have a corner on the judgment market. I don't know how many people have told me over the years, "I would never join ATI because they are the most judgmental people I know."
U2 singer Bono once said, "There are 2,103 verses of Scripture pertaining to the poor. Jesus Christ only speaks of judgment once. It is not all about the things that the church bangs on about. It is not about sexual immorality, and it is not about megalomania, or vanity. It is about the poor. 'I was naked you clothed me. I was a stranger and you let me in.' This is at the heart of the gospel. Why is it that we have seemed to have forgotten this? Why isn't the church leading this movement?"
Yet confront the Institute with this fault, as some suggest, and they'll tell you it's their DUTY, as bearers of a higher standard, to point out sin in the church. They can't be called on this. They reject the implication that their lofty spirituality somehow damages others. The other defense I hear is "judgmentalism is a result of individual people; it's not IBLP's fault." I'm not going to pin it on Bill Gothard and damn him for the sins of others, but it's my belief that these conditions in the ministry are systematic faults, and not merely individual lapses. This sort of attitude permeates from the head of an organization all the way down to the mailroom.
So when I say that rage is a common factor among staffers and ex-ATI folks, it's not because they're "bitter" and need to repent. Mostly its a response to the judgmentalism and the inability to live up to someone else's ideal.
It manifests itself in many ways, this fury. Many of my music links over on the left are a developed taste from my IBLP days. Some of us fight boiling anger. Others of us start drinking. Many others simply drive the anger under the surface.
It's not bitterness. We keep bashing our heads against all of the "abuses" and shortcomings, wondering what can be done to correct them. We're weary from impotent rage.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
What's in an ATI Word?
What's in an ATI word? is our feature which unpacks and clarifies those difficult terms we heard so often.
"clique"
noun, clique (klik')
- A group of young people standing around, having too much fun.
- People you actually like.
- People you should be prevented from spending time with, simply because you WANT to spend time with them.
- ATI families in a church who have higher standards than other families. (This is an acceptable grouping.)
Antonym: Natural grouping.
Previous ATI Words
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Gothard: Angel Gabriel "in Error"
Bill Gothard says the angel Gabriel was in error when he appeared before the Virgin Mary to foretell Christ's birth.
"Mary was a young, unmarried woman," said Gothard. "Gabriel should have appeared to Mary's father first to seek his blessing." Pointing out that God's word clearly teaches the Principle of Authority, Gothard said Gabriel's unapproved appearance was "probably a fluke."
"God never violates his own universal principles," said Gothard. "There may have been some confusion since Mary was betrothed to Joseph. Still, Gabriel should have known better."
Gothard teaches young women to remain under their father's authority until the father transfers his authority to a qualified young man. "We can expect no less from the Virgin Mary."
Gothard also indicated that Mary, rather than agreeing to become the Christ-bearer, should have directed Gabriel to her father. "Mary should have considered the poor example she set for other teenage girls, who now think they can hear God's instructions without the proper umbrella of authority."
IBLP to Offer New Bible Translation
OAK BROOK, Illinois - IBLP announced today that it plans to release a brand-new Bible translation based on Bill Gothard's unique insight into God's Word.
In a statement released this morning, an IBLP spokesman said, "Mr. Gothard's rhemas are important breakthroughs in Scriptural interpretation. It is important to update the Bible to include these insights."
Bill Gothard has been working on the new translation for 30 years. The project, said to be Gothard's labor of love, is the result of his meditation on the precise meanings of words in the original Hebrew and Greek.
The version will incorporate the truths shared in the Basic and Advanced seminars. The version discards traditional chapter and verse divisions of Scripture, adopting instead a step-by-step format in order to highlight the specific steps Scripture gives for achieving success in life.
The new Bible version will include supplementary information on how to read and interpret Scripture, as well as a booklet on conducting Greek word studies.
ATI families across the country hailed the news as "a breath of fresh air straight from heaven." "Finally!" exclaimed one excited mother. "A version of Scripture that teaches and respects our convictions and standards."
Announcing New Seminar
We knew it was just a matter of time. From the organization that brought you the Anger Resolution and Stress Management seminars, we are happy to present:
Sexual Healing Seminars
Designed for married couples young and old, instructor Bill Gothard equips individuals with the tools they need to have a godly experience. Examining precise truths of Scripture, Bill shares how root causes, if left unresolved, defeat the marriage experience and lead to sexual tension.
Too many people get married thinking that marriage is designed to provide sexual fulfillment. Bill reveals that Scripture never condones this hedonistic view, but instead gives God's true intent for sexual intimacy: bearing children. Bill also shares a practical session on "forbidden practices that godly couples avoid."
This training has help thousands of frustrated couples who now experience lasting freedom from sexual desire.
Monday, October 11, 2004
ATI Movie Makeovers - The Matrix
We all enjoy entertainment, but we should never enjoy entertainment at the expense of our godly standards. ATI Movie Makeovers takes popular Hollywood blockbusters and infuses them with Biblical principles and character development.
The ATI Matrix: Breaking down strongholds in a theater near you.
Thomas Anderson is a young man who is addicted to rock music, develops friendships with fools, and exhibits poor character at work.
He is contacted by Morpheus (played by Bill Gothard), a radical youth group leader. Morpheus promises to open Mr. Anderson's eyes to the real work and give him a new approach to life, offering him a red pill and a blue and white pill to signify his choice. Mr. Anderson takes the blue and white pill and the adventure begins.
Morpheus takes Anderson to his training lair, a combination command center, juvenile resort and encouragement conference location. Mr. Anderson must undergo significant deconstruction to prepare him for his ministry. He learns that the real world is quite different that the one he knew: it is full of principles, standards, convictions and steps of action. Mr. Anderson learns these principles by having seminars downloaded into his brain in 32-hour segments.
The make-believe world that he's been in--The Matrix--was created by worldliness, reprobation and apostasy. The enemy gains access to people's minds by building strongholds and they are forever enslaved to these evil spirits.
Once Mr. Anderson has been reprogrammed, Morpheus takes him back into the Matrix to redeem others from the bondage of rock music, movies, worldly dress, and other strongholds. Morpheus infiltrates cities by talking to government leaders, school children, and business leaders about character.
Mr. Anderson begins to believe that he is "the one": chosen by God for unique purposes. He leads thousands out of bondage.
The spirits of Worldliness and Bondage are not pleased with Anderson's successful ministry and they send Agents to deal with him. These Agents are unclean spirits capable of inhabiting any person or inanimate object (such as Cabbage Patch dolls).
Mr. Anderson must fight many battles with these agents and their tormentors. Luckily, he is equipped with tools such as Prayer Targets and Meditation. In the climatic battle scene, Mr. Anderson defeats the evil spirits, overcomes temptation, and successfully elevates himself to a Higher Plane of spirituality.
*Special thanks to graphic genius JB.
Friday, October 08, 2004
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Thursday, October 07, 2004
X-er Challenges Gothard to Debate
X-ATI Guy has challenged IBLP Founder and President Bill Gothard to a debate to hash out their considerable differences. The proposal is to conduct a "town hall" style debate, allowing the audience to ask questions.
Admitting his challenge took a considerable amount of pluck, X-er pointed out that Bill Gothard is a master debater whose powerful reasoning overwhelms most critics. "When you have Scripture on your side, as Bill does, you can't lose," said X-er, "so anyone who wants to go toe to toe with Bill had better be ready."
Gothard is rumored to have memorized the entire canon of Scripture in the KJV version, the Phillips translation, and in the original Hebrew and Greek.
Experts are calling this clash "a meeting of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker." As one expert put it, "Hardened experience meets youthful optimism."
Analysts say Gothard will rely on precise analogies and Scripture-based steps of action during the debate. He will emphasize his years of experience working with youth, compared to X-er's newcomer status. For example, in a recent press release, IBLP stated: "There are 2.6 million alumni of the Basic Seminar. How many readers does X-er have...a few thousand? Big deal." The release also pointed out that X-er is rarely consulted by heads of state on character issues.
X-er is expected to employ quick wit and biting humor to deflate Gothard's attacks. "I can hardly wait to see his approach," said one expert. X-er is expected to avoid sensitive topics such as scandals, the hush-hush effort, and staffer dissatisfaction, focusing instead on allegations of Gothard's inconsistency, legalism, and extra-Biblical teaching.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Reversal Baby Choir Revolts
Every year at the annual ATI conference, Mr. Gothard calls up the "mighty host" of children whose parents acted in faith by undergoing reversal surgery. He praises the parents for restoring the manhood of fathers and the womanhood of mothers, and he asks the reversal children to sing a song.
This honored tradition, which tugs at the heartstrings of recalcitrant parents who have closed the womb to God's blessings, may be in jeopardy. A representative of the Reversal Baby Choir has been sent to IBLP Headquarters to deliver a simple message to Mr. Gothard: "We're tired of singing in your choir."
The Reversal Baby collective bargaining representative plans to deliver a list of grievances. X-ATI Guy was able to obtain a preliminary draft of this list.
- "We're tired of being used. Get someone else to illustrate the power of your message."
- "We don't appreciate being called "Reversal Babies." Many of us are over 21 now, Bill."
- "We aren't going to sing in a choir without remuneration, training, song books, or rehearsals. No more."
- "Every year you single out us...and the Canadians. Why?"
- "Don't take it personally, but some of us plan on using birth control."
A spokesman for the Reversal Baby Choir told us, "It's not that we don't appreciate him. We do--we're very glad to be alive. We're just tired of being paraded in front of the ATI world every year."
Indeed, many "reversal babies" have grown up with serious life complications. Many cite a superiority complex from being spoiled, while others grow depressed and feel alienated from "normal" children.
IBLP, no doubt, will hold firm to the unequivocating belief in the vocal talents of reversal babies. But it may become increasingly difficult to populate the choir if these precious children continue to revolt.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
